There used to be an ad on Italian TV – which I only remember because the jingle was so infuriatingly catchy – that went something like: “Pippo – tutto un’ altra scopa!” (“Pippo: a whole new broom!”)
Well, new brooms are supposed to sweep clean, and what better way to make a clean sweep of the troublesome 10th district than by enlisting popular personalities from fields of activity unrelated to politics… for instance, sports?

Not, mind you, that mixing sports with politics is anything new for the 10th district. For instance: before becoming an honourable minister, Michael Refalo was also honorary president of the Gzira football club. Foreign Minister Michael Frendo is already warming up for next year’s Commonwealth Games in Uganda, while former Sliema mayor Robert Arrigo has all sorts of associations with sports – namely, football, waterpolo and big game fishing, having unsuccessfully angled for the Tourism Minister’s portfolio for years.
For his part, George Pullicino has recently made a career for himself in the Hop, Skip, and Dodge The Question event – hugely popular among Cabinet ministers in recent years, although few are as good at it as the Sliema heavyweight– while Francis Zammit Dimech has had four straight unbeaten seasons in the ultra-competitive "pass the buck" category.

But the sporting phenomenon of the 10th district is surely Azzjonali Nazzjonali’s Anglu Xuereb, who still holds the national record in the hotly contested Sliema Demolition Derby: that unique festival of noise, dust, traffic and inconvenience which takes place all day, every day in the world capital of uncontrolled construction.
And that's not all. Anglu Xuereb is also the world’s only athlete to have broken, not just the tape, but also the entire road at the end of every major construction marathon. And while the rest of the international sporting community follows an event called the “steeplechase”, Anglu went one better and invented his own version: the “chapel-smash”, a unique form of violent horse-play in which a team of illiterate philistines use jackhammers and pneumatic drills to literally crack a 19th century chapel clean down the middle. (Special bonus points if you also manage to rip through the priceless Mattia Preti contained therein.)

But Pippo Psaila, that’s a different story. Here we have an immensely popular (and above all successful) personality from the world of local sports. A former coach of the national football team, Pippo is still famous for achieving a string of “positive results” – that’s local footballspeak for “losing matches by a margin of less than three goals”.
Add to this a not-insignificant number of Bronze, Copper and Pewter Medals in the Measly Little Nations’ Olympics, and you really have the most a Maltese sports personality could ever possibly hope to aspire to. So I suppose his eventual assimilation into the Nationalist Party –always a guiding light for those who content themselves with very little – was ultimately a matter of time.

Besides, there was every reason to believe that Pippo, like his bristled Italian housecleaning counterpart, would actually make a difference to the PN’s prospects of a sweeping victory at the polls. Until, of course, he went and made the tragic mistake of actually opening his mouth to speak, and… mercy me! What were Pippo’s credentials again? Chairman of the Malta Olympic Committee? Or was that Chief Inquisitor of the Congregation of the Doctrine of the Faith?

Consider the following excerpts and decide for yourselves: “This is not a question of rights but a question of faith and religion,” Pippo proclaimed with regard to the issue of divorce. “I am not a purist. But there is phrase which says: ‘What God has joined together let no man put asunder.’ Marriage is an indissoluble bond.”
And on cohabitation: “This is a very tricky situation. I think that the Church’s position is clear and the party has to follow this position.”

Hmm. OK, let me see if I’ve interpreted the subliminal message behind Pippo’s candidature correctly. The Nationalist Party is a conservative, God-fearing, hellfire preaching, political footstool of the Holy See. Unlike all its counterparts in the European Popular Party – and indeed unlike every single country on earth, with the possible exception of the Philippines – it does not recognise divorce as a civil right. And like most of Europe before Thomas Hobbes in the 16th century (or for that matter, most of Arabia today), it fails to see any distinction whatsoever between the laws of the land and those of the Church to begin with.
Now honestly. Did we really need the former national football team coach to spell that out for us? I would have thought that Lorenzo the Magnificent was doing a pretty good job of it on his own.

Let’s get Biblical
While I’m on the subject of God, the church, divorce and the PN, there is something I have never fully understood. With the possible exception of “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s Ipod,” the “phrase” quoted by Pippo above –Matthew 19:9 to be precise – must be among the most oft-quoted Biblical arguments in any secular scenario.
“What God hath joined in marriage, let no man put asunder.” But… why do so few people bother to quote the rest of the same passage?
Because it doesn’t stop there. Oh, no: Jesus carries on. In fact, it may be worth reproducing the Son of Man’s conclusion in full:

“But he said unto them, All men cannot receive this saying, save they to whom it is given.
“For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother's womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.”

Maybe I lack the intellectual capacity to understand, but what exactly is Jesus’s point with that last remark? Isn’t he saying that this teaching of his should only apply to “they to whom it is given” – i.e., Christians? More to the point: isn’t he making it clear that the divorce ban is not a matter for the state to legislate upon… a secular view which is entirely consonant with so many of his other teachings? (e.g., “My Kingdom is not of this world”, “Give unto Caesar”, etc.?
Any eunuchs out there who think they can answer this question, please give us a shout.

rvassallo@mediatoday.com.mt