This column is dedicated to those parents who for some reason or another will not be able to see their children this Christmas.
Alienating a child from his father or mother is cruelty and many do not foresee that this causes irreparable harm to the child for the rest of his life. Children are not pieces of furniture: their cases cannot wait or cannot be treated as though you are dealing with property. Every day that they pass without the presence of one or both of their parents causes a rift between them which can never be replaced.
My appeal goes first and foremost to the parents so as not to use their children as scapegoats, or as allies or foes, in any arguments that they may have with their spouse of partner. We must let our children grow as children. We must not confuse our children by pouring our problems onto them, or by belittling their father or mother, or by putting into their life another father or another mother.
Cruelty to our children is not only physical but it can also be emotional. Depriving our children from their childhood is to my mind the greatest cruelty of all because, poverty can be replaced, but childhood comes and goes only once and can never be recalled into their life.
We have witnessed the Pembroke shooting and how a local newspaper reported how the child is crying for “papa Louis” when he was not his father at all. Grown-ups tend to conclude that once their partner is out of their life so should he or she be out of their children’s life. This is wrong and false: first of all, when there are children, no parent can be out of the other parent’s life and secondly, parents remain parents even when their relationship is on the rocks.
It is also wrong for the married couples whose marriage has broken down to refer to the other spouse as an ex-wife or ex-husband. In Malta there is no such thing as an ex-wife or an ex-husband because separation means that you are still married and that you still have the obligations as a married woman and a married man. It is a false perception for many of our separated people to think that separation means a licence for another relationship. Strictly speaking, other relationships are forbidden in our law for separated people because they are still bound by the conditions of marriage, which include fidelity.
But grown-ups tend to think that once their marriage is over, so is the childhood of their children over. Bitterness seem to take revenge and they pour their bitterness on their children little knowing or caring about the damage they are inflicting on them and how this will eventually disrupt their upbringing and their adulthood.
Who does not know of grandparents, especially paternal ones, who have not seen their grandchildren for ages, because of the mother’s refusal? Who does not know of fathers and mothers who have not seen their children either because of a care order or because they do not have enough money or strength to seek redress in court?
It is true that separation cases are on the increase, alarmingly may I add, and so much so that we have now two full-time judges in the Family Court, but it is also true that there are parents who are so drained mentally that they have no strength to challenge any decision taken by the other partner to the extent that this can translate itself into abandonment of the children. And of course, the children are brainwashed into believing that their father or their mother abandoned them, when many times this is not the case.
I cannot but mention care orders, and how these must be given with the utmost conviction that they are to cause the least possible harm to our children. The problem with care orders is that once they are issued, nobody seems to know what the procedure is to revoke them; secondly, they seem to be there for life. It is not enough for Appogg to ask for a care order, they must pursue the case of that child and make sure that that child is having contact with both parents.
What is happening is that Appogg personnel are so loaded with work, that they do not have the time to pursue each case. Case reviews are held but Appogg always seems to have the last say. Notwithstanding that many care order solicit Appogg to build the relationship between the child and the parents, Appogg has no time or resources to do so with the result that many children are growing up alienated from their parents.
And believe me, it is not always the case of having bad parents. Sometimes care orders are issued out of spite for the other parent: like the case of that mother whose son was born gay and whose daughter was taken away from her because she was told that her son was a bad influence on her daughter. She was solicited to chuck her son out of the house, and that unless she did so, she would not have her daughter back; or the case of that underage mother who broke up with the father of the child and although the father never acknowledged the child as his own, the child was given under a care order to “his paternal grandparents” when he had no paternal grandparents because the father did not want to recognise his son on paper; and many other sad stories.
Of course, I am not saying that there may not be instances where care orders are justified, but I am saying is that we cannot treat our children as cases so that once a care order is issued, the case ends there and no effort is done so that these children do not grow apart from their parents. I know that Appogg are inundated with cases but at the same time they must devise a system that ensures that the parents-children relationship is not interrupted.
It is not enough for parents to come to Appogg to ask to see their social worker when their social worker is never there because he or she has other work to do. A bring-up system where parents are sent for and arrangements are made so that they have contact with their children ought to be introduced or to be made available.
It is the same with fostering: my preoccupation about fostering is that these foster parents, sometimes even unwittingly, are taking the place of the natural parents and alienating the fostered children from their parents. Even fostering seems to be for life and those who say that this is not so, do not know what they are talking about because how can you expect a child to tell you that he wants to go back and live with his mother or his father when first of all, his parents may be living in a substandard house and his foster parents are living in luxury, and when he only knows his foster parents as his children. So it is very difficult if not impossible for any child to go back to his natural parent or parents from fostering.
Obviously, the main responsibility lies with the parents: the harm that many of them are causing to their children because they cannot either accept that the marriage is over, or because they want to use them as a tool of revenge against the other partner, is something that calls on the authorities to take action. Our children have the fundamental right to childhood. Commissioner for Children, please note!

A Joyous and Healthy Christmas to all!