As a certain Isaac Newton once said: for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.
(Note: in case you don’t know, Sir Isaac Newton, son of Abraham, was the guy who invented the apple).
Unfortunately, my physics teacher at school was one of those traditional types who explained everything using old-fashioned implements such as books, blackboards and the occasional electric hair-dryer. So in the end, it took me more than 20 years to finally understand the remarkable truth behind that irrefutable Newtonian law.
The way it works is (roughly) this:

When a Labour Party spokesman issues a statement complaining about such-and-such a situation, there will invariably be an equal and opposite statement, issued within minutes by the Department of Idiot-formation, reminding us that the situation in question has actually improved by leaps and bounds in the past three years – i.e., from the precise instant when Lawrence Gonzi took over as Prime Minister from… um… what was his name again? How strange, can’t seem to remember…
What’s more, the statement will also remind us that the same situation the Labour Party now complains about was infinitely worse between 1996 and 1998: a time when the Prime Minister was Dr Alfred Sant, the land was plunged into eternal darkness, and a horse-drawn cart, led by plague-ridden ghouls shouting “Bring Out Yer Dead!”, would stop by your house every day.

But sometimes, just sometimes, there will be a reaction that will be perfectly “equal” to the one it seeks to rebut, but not exactly “opposite” at all. And it is on these occasions – which I have to say are becoming more frequent as elections draw nearer – that you get a rare glimpse of how completely and utterly screwed up this country really is.
Two quick examples before I leave you all to your mince pies:

It has been observed how Joseph Abela, Labour Genius, recently rode in upon a gleaming white stallion to rescue hunters-in-distress from the Big Bad Police Force, which was threatening to politely ask them all to obey the law for a change. (I mean, can you imagine?)
This, Abela decreed in parliament, will not do. It is traditional for our hunters to carry on behaving howsoever they please, no matter the consequences, and to keep getting away with it each and every single time. So Joe Abela naturally pledged his undying support to the hunters’ cause, and… “Mayday, mayday, do you read me? We have an emergency: I repeat, we have an emergency…”

As you can imagine, Abela’s burst of parliamentary nonsense this week was met with a twittering chorus to the effect that, if Labour wins the next election, the entire country will revert to the days when you couldn’t leave your house for fear of having your head blown clean off by a shotgun (a situation which, come to think of it, had nothing to do with hunting to begin with.)
And for all I know, this may even be true. BUT: where on earth were all the twits when the present administration of government – which, last I looked, wasn’t Labour – did all of the following, and more beside?
They entered into a written agreement with the hunters (signed by Lawrence Gonzi and Whatshisname in person) to the effect that the hunting laws wouldn’t change under the PN. They lowered the legal hunting age from 21 to 18. They permitted hunting to take place by secondary roads. They presented the hunters’ demands as the country’s official position during EU accession negotiations. They secured (or so they claimed) a special derogation on hunting in spring. They opened the spring hunting season for three consecutive years after 2004, despite the fact that by that time it was ILLEGAL. They threatened to fight the European Commission in Court, regardless of the consequences for Malta’s international reputation, or how the rest of us felt about the issue. And they are still openly defying the EC (not to mention the vast majority of this country), incurring in the process the risk of future fines.
And after all this, they tell us we should be worried about the Labour Party’s stand on hunting? Is there something I’m missing here?

Like Newton’s second law of monumental crassness, the above example automatically begets another. Some months ago, yet another Labour genius – Joe Sammut – suggested in parliament the idea of a separate bus service for “klandestini” in Birzebbugia.
Lord, the brouhaha that followed: Labour, if elected, would introduce apartheid, lynch mobs, slavery, cannibalism… the works.
Again, this is unfortunately not beyond the realms of possibility. But of course, everybody spectacularly forgot that the exact same concern – almost in the exact same words, too – had been raised separately in parliament two years earlier by another member: Franco Galea, PN, who for the record had said (paraphrased by yours truly – you can still find the original adjournment speech on www.parliament.gov.mt):
“Is it true or untrue that these (klandestini) come to Malta with money in cash and satellite phones?…That they have access to phonecards, even though in their own countries there are no means of communication?… That there are certain bus routes that Maltese citizens can’t use?… That there is prostitution outside some of these centres…? That there are incidents between immigrants and Maltese people, and that these incidents are on the rise?”

I don’t know about you, but I see precious little difference whatsoever between the two main parties when it comes to hunting or immigration. At a glance, there doesn’t seem to be much of a difference between their respective grand plans for the Grand Harbour, either. And, oh look: both Labour and the PN want to build two, nice golf courses – one in Malta, and the other in Gozo. My, oh my: what a wealth of choice for the floating voter…
But to listen to some of the cynics out there, anyone would think that Maltese politics was going through some kind of credibility crisis. You know, the kind of crisis that ensues when the farmyard animals look from the pigs to the humans, and then from the humans back to the pigs, but just can’t seem to tell which one is which.

While I’m on the subject of golf and… um… balls, the other day I read in the papers that Angelo Xuereb – leading contractor and deputy leader of Malta’s newest party, (Tass)azzjoni Nazzjonali – has complained that too much development has taken place outside the development zones.
Tsk, tsk, Anglu said. You naughty developers, you. Don’t you all know that building outside the zones established by the 1990 Structure Plan, and expanded last year by the Great Green Gonzi Government, is strictly “VERBOTEN”? And that failure to abide by this all-important legislation is punishable by instant, retroactive sanctioning of all your illegalities, against a secret donation to a charity of MEPA’s choice?
That’s right, Anglu, you tell them. After all, this is the same Anglu who spent 10 whole years trying to get a MEPA permit for a golf course – please note: not a swimming pool, or a garage, or an extension to the washroom on the roof; but an 18-hole golf-course, complete with club house and all the amenities that go with it – all of which would have been on arable land, and entirely outside the same development zones he now seeks to protect.
(Note: “Outside Development Zones” is the new, trendy way of saying “Green Area”, and is commonly abbreviated to “ODZ”… although to be honest, “ABZ” would work just as well.)

But, hey! Let’s not be too hard on Anglu. For one thing, it’s Christmas, and he also shares a name with the decoration traditionally impaled on top of the tree. For another, he didn’t get his ODZ illegal development in the end, so I suppose it’s all part of the festive spirit that he should now begrudge everyone else their own.
And besides: judging by today’s front page story about Carmel Cacopardo’s great Hal Safi “dietro-front”, it looks like Anglu Xuereb’s not exactly the only one in politics who’s “away in a manger”, either.

Did someone say crisis? In Malta? Get out of here