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That’s what Frendos are for... Well, who would have ever guessed? According to newly appointed ‘Mr Speaker’ Michael Frendo (Oh, and before I forget – congrats on the new appointment, Mike: always good to have a Frendo in high places) Maltese parliamentarians are just... well... not funny enough, damn it. What? Oh yes, I’m being serious. That’s exactly what he said. Last Thursday, in his inaugural address to the House of Reprehens... I mean, Representatives. No, I didn’t hear it myself, but according to a friend of a Frendo, Michael’s speech sounded (roughly) like this: “Now look here, folks... I know you all think you’re God’s gift to the Universe because you’ve got, like, ‘special privileges’ and stuff (which basically means you can lie as much as you like about anyone or anything, without getting sued or beaten up about it afterwards) but for crying out loud: can’t you lighten up a little from time to time? I mean, just look at you. Like a bunch of goddamn stiffs. Weekend at bloody Bernie’s, if you take my meaning. And it’s just not on, you know. It’s unfair on the taxpayer. In case you were all too busy reading magazines to ever notice, people out there pay good money so that you can all enjoy a full pension when you retire... and you know what? They’re not even asking for very much in return. All people really want from their elected representatives (and trust me, I know what I’m talking about here) is a little... entertainment, for heaven’s sake. Surely it’s not that hard to deliver? I mean, it’s not like an electoral promise, or a budgetary commitment, or anything. It won’t cost you a single cent of other people’s money, and who knows? Some of them might even remember your name at election time as a result. So from now on... can’t you all put in a little extra effort, and make complete and utter jackasses of yourselves just slightly more often than you already do? You know, throw the occasional lifeline to a starving satirist somewhere... crack a joke, for heaven’s sake... walk a little funny every now and again... slip on a banana peel if you have to, but whatever it is you choose to do... GET YOURSELVES A SENSE OF HUMOUR...!” Right. Now I don’t know about you, but when the creative forces of the Universe got together and decided – somewhat unwisely, I admit – to come up with yours truly and unleash him onto an unsuspecting planet, I imagine they must have overdone a few of the basic ingredients (and quite possibly left some others out entirely, but let’s leave that for another time). The upshot is that I came into existence overburdened by a fairly large... actually, rather huge... make that mind-bogglingly massive... immeasurably prodigious, even... ... hang on, I’ve momentarily forgotten what it is I happen to have a HUMUNGOUS specimen of... Ah yes! My overwhelmingly enormous sense of justice. OK, I suppose I now have to back that extraordinary claim with a few extraordinary examples. So let’s try this one for starters. Just the other day, I was listening to a debate on Parliament FM – a right barrel of laughs, let me tell you – when Carm Mifsud Bonnici... Hey, what’s all that chuckling and tittering about? I haven’t got to the blinking punch-line yet. So as I was saying, Carm Mifsu... and there you go again. Look: it’s really impolite to just guffaw like that, you know. After all, the guy is our Justice Minister... Ouch! OK, tell you what: next time you all decide to suddenly erupt into a paroxysm of unfettered mirth... can you all just inform me beforehand? Nearly blew out both my eardrums... Anyhow: let’s make this a good deal easier. So there I was, listening to this debate on Parliament FM, and up stood this... erm... guy to complain that the Opposition hadn’t yet nominated its members to the ‘Obscenities Committee’... Yes, Michael, you heard right. That Parliament, of which you are the Constitutionally-appointed moderator, has something called an ‘Obscenities Committee’. And let me guess: you don’t find even that funny, do you, Dr Frendo? Not even remotely amusing... Well, that sounds entirely reasonable to me. The only trouble is that ‘pornography’ – whatever the heck it means – is so very illegal in this country, that we happen to also host arguably the single largest online pay portal for pornographic websites in the entire World Wide Web. How’s that for an obscenity to discuss at committee level? But Dr Frendo probably doesn’t see the funny side to this one, either. And yet, thanks to the extraordinary actions of these same 65 comedians, it is now a big ‘No-No’ for any Maltese DVD rental to stock classic porn movies such as ‘Sex in Sweden’ (or for that matter, ‘Debbie Does Delimara’)... but at the same time, it’s perfectly OK for a Scandinavian company called ‘BDSM’ (or something like that, anyway) to come here and shaft us up the rear end with a power station that will cause more pollution at greater expense, while not actually producing as much energy as we need. I mean, honestly. Who cares if we don’t have ‘Sex in Sweden’? We’ve been screwed by the Danes right here in Malta, and none of our MPs even noticed... It is for this reason, Michael, that I am concerned. No, not so much that you don’t recognise good humour when it kicks you in teeth... nor that you were so utterly unfair in your criticism of these 65 comic geniuses. No, what worries me is that you want these people to be funnier than they already are. If I were you I’d be more careful what I wish for. Because if (God forbid) your wish is granted... if those people actually take your advice, and start refining their already ultra-advanced sense of humour... well, the resulting incontrollable convulsions of our intercostal muscles will most likely cause us all to bleed internally to death – which I suppose is just as well, as the sum total of our MPs’ disastrous decisions will probably be the death of us all anyway. As the old saying goes: ‘With Frendos like that...’ Any comments? |
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