Alas, poor Gonzi. In a sense I almost sympathise. And I would have probably done the same in his place, too... though of course, with far greater flourish and panache, and possibly even with a bit of advance planning.
But in case you’re all wondering what on earth I’m on about this time, well, it’s roughly this. In politics – as in pretty much everything else you care to name – there are a few standard aspects of conventional wisdom which one either bows to or ignores at one’s own personal risk. Of these, the following two are suddenly very relevant to the local context:
1) No sooner does the excrement hit the fan – and trust me, Lawrence: the excrement has now hit the fan – than the Prime Minister must instantly duck for cover, to ensure that if anyone receives a healthy dollop of flying faeces full in the face, it will not be the Prime Minister himself, but rather some inferior and entirely expendable little stooge.
2) While the resulting excrement is still busy flying in all directions, the same Prime Minister must also hastily concoct some kind of “diversionary tactic” – the more intriguing, the better – with which to distract public attention from the otherwise glaring fact that it is now “raining sh*t”.
This way, when people gather at bars and coffee shops to play cards and watch horse-racing on cable TV, the subject that will crop up during discussions will be the Prime Minister’s own hastily concocted diversionary tactic... as opposed to the sheer extent of the same Prime Minister’s mediocrity (which is what they should all really be discussing anyway).
Right. Now, allow me to break with tradition, and actually give Gonzi some credit where it is due.
In his six-year stint as Prime Minister of Malta, Lawrence Gonzi has proved to be remarkably adept at dodging flying excrement. In fact, it is a sheer pleasure to watch him in full excrement-dodging action – he reminds me of a cross between Gene Kelly and George W. Bush from that little shoe-throwing incident last year.
And guess what? Apart from being an expert poo-dodger in his own right, Gonzi is also a veritable past-master when it comes to timing his movements so that the flying excrement always splatters those people he wants to get splattered, and no one else.
In fact, I have no doubt whatsoever that if this activity were to be listed among the official events at the Summer Olympics – as indeed it should – our Gonzi would go on to win the gold medal every single time.
And if (to extend the metaphor) there was also a category called “shielding the Prime Minister by receiving a face-full of faeces in his stead”... well, I think we’d be looking at a possible world champion contender in the form of PN secretary-general, Paul Borg Olivier.
But alas! There the Prime Minister’s expertise ends. As for the second rule of the game – i.e., creating a diversionary tactic – sorry, Lawrence, but... what on earth were you thinking?
So it came to pass that last Thursday – while people in the Nationalist Party were busy buying umbrellas and placing online orders for their excrement-proof Teflon vests – a “stern” Lawrence Gonzi warned us all that we have to take our climate change commitments more seriously.
Yes, folks, you read right. At a time when the country was literally buzzing with the news that Marisa Micallef – an erstwhile “human bludgeon”, wielded by the same Gonzi to crush any who stood his path – had crossed over to Labour; and when his finance minister Tonio Fenech somehow managed to exasperate Malta’s entire female population, by making “single mothers” guilty of all out economic woes; and when there is a scarcely a single category of voter in the entire country that hasn’t already brought out the kitchen knives, and demanded that Gonzi’s head be affixed to the battlements... what does the Prime Minister try and distract our attention with?
Global warming.
Hmm. I don’t know. Is anyone advising Gonzi these days? Or have all his counsellors at Castille now packed their bags, and followed Marisa to Mile End?
Never mind. If no one else wants to be associated with the sorry mess that is the PN at moment, it may as well be me to step in and offer some sorely needed advice. And guess what: I’m in such an exceptionally generous mood, that I won’t even bill them the full amount.
1) In case our Prime Minister hasn’t yet realised, we happen to be living in this country called “Malta”.
And given a choice between the following two topics of conversation: a) Marisa Micallef, and; b) difficulties encountered by Polar Bears while trying to swim from one iceberg to another off the coast of Alaska... well, I might be wrong, but my hunch is that the people of Malta would much rather talk about Marisa Micallef.
2) If Lawrence Gonzi is really going to rap us all on the knuckles for “not doing our bit” on climate change... can he kindly inform us what his own government has done about it.. and more to the point, what it intends to do in the near future?
For you see, the very most people like myself can be accused of is the fact that we drive a car; or leave our TV or computer on standby for days; or use incandescent bulbs instead of LEDs; or forget to switch off our water heaters when we don’t actually need them... you know, ordinary stuff like that.
Gonzi’s government, on the other hand, has targets imposed by the European Union, which involve reducing CO2 emissions to within certain levels before a certain date. And oh look: it didn’t even manage to do that properly.
Oh, and if you think this particular criticism comes only from tiny little me, think again. It actually came this week from the European Court of Justice, which – on the same day as Gonzi told us all off for not appreciating his efforts to save the planet – found Gonzi’s government GUILTY of failing to reach those targets, with dire environmental and financial consequences for us all.
In case Gonzi was too busy ducking to avoid excrement to take stock of this particular ruling, allow me to summarise it for him. The relevant paragraph reads as follows:
“By failing correctly to apply Directive 2001/80/EC of the European Parliament and of the Council of 23 October 2001 on the limitation of emissions of certain pollutants into the air from large combustion plants in relation to the operation of the Phase One steam plant of the Delimara and Marsa power stations, the Republic of Malta has failed to fulfil its obligations under Articles 4(1) and 12 of that directive...”
This ruling, by the way, does not take into account certain realities surrounding the recent (and highly suspect) contract for the extension of the Delimara power station. It seems that halfway through the bidding process, Gonzi’s government actually increased its maximum emissions limit – without, I might add, providing any satisfactory explanation – so as to make it possible for a certain bid to be considered, when, under the old limits regime, it would have been automatically disqualified.
So much for the importance of reaching our climate change objectives or facing the consequences... eh Lawrence?
Wait, there is more. For it just so happens that while the European Court was busy ruling against Malta for flouting the EU’s emissions law... and the Prime Minister was equally busy ticking us all off for not giving a hoot about climate change – the government of Malta was hard at work behind the scenes, lobbying with the European Commission in order to raise the maximum legal levels of emissions in its proposed targets for shipping.
Yes, indeed: in yet another classic case of sounding one trumpet in Malta, while playing a whole different symphony in the corridors of the Berlaymont building in Brussels, the government of Malta is currently fighting for its right to pump more greenhouse gases into the atmosphere: while criticising ordinary citizens like you and I for not turning off our TVs.
Oh, and for the benefit of those who seem to be under the illusion that tiny Malta’s contribution to global warming is “negligible”: kindly note that Malta is a flag State which boasts one of the largest shipping registers in the EU, and ranks among the top 20 shipping nations in the world.
I will leave you with a few small excerpts from a study by international NGO Oceana into shipping emissions – the same emissions that Gonzi’s government is currently fighting to retain, at the cost of our own health and the efficacy of the EU’s entire climate change strategy – after which, you can all decide for yourselves what to make of Lawrence Gonzi’s criticism of us all an a nation of environmental Philistines:
* Only five countries in the world release more carbon dioxide than the global fleet of marine vessels.
* This fleet releases 1.12 billion metric tons of carbon dioxide each year, an amount equivalent to emissions from over 205 million cars, or more cars than were registered in the U.S. in 2006 (135 million).
* A single container ship emits more global warming pollution than 2,000 diesel trucks.
* By 2020, these emissions could double 2002 levels, and they could be triple those levels by 2030.
Ships are also major emitters of nitrogen oxides – contributing nearly 30% of the world’s releases. This amount too is expected to triple by 2030.
* Another pollutant released by ships, black carbon, or soot, can warm the air as well as cause snow and ice to melt. Black carbon may be responsible for as much as 25% of observed global warming.
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Of these, the following two are suddenly very relevant to the local context:
