Raphael Vassallo | Sunday, 28 June 2009

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Please Mr Policeman

I have a small question for the boys and girls who make up this country’s fine and upstanding Police Force. Out of sheer curiosity... why don’t you guys tell people to just SOD OFF every now and again?
Tell you what: you can start with me. I’m a grown-up after all, so I can take it. Here goes:

“Raphael?”
“Yes, Mr Policeman?”
“Do me a favour and just SOD OFF, will you?”
“Why, certainly! No problemo. Whatever you say...”

See? Wasn’t that hard after all, was it? And you will find, boys and girls, that when it comes from you (with your smart and/or sexy uniform, depending on gender considerations), a simple “sod off” will work wonders. But then again, I suppose it is somewhat impolite. And let’s face it, the Malta Police Force is widely known throughout the galaxy to be a paragon of politeness. Far too meek and mild, to ever tell certain people out there what they so richly deserve to hear...

People like Victor Scerri, for instance. You know, the president of the Nationalist Party, who recently instructed the Police Commissioner to investigate his own ODZ permit in Bahrija, over irregularities he knew did not actually exist...

Or how about his architect Robert Musumeci? That’s right, the guy who last week also wrote to the police to “request” (though it sounded more like an “order” to me) an investigation into Astrid Vella, for the grave crime of posting a comment about him on an online news database.

Excuse me, Mr Policeman, but... who the hell do these people think they are, to push you around like that? I wouldn’t let them get away with it, and unlike you I am not exactly furnished with a uniform, a truncheon and a can of pepper spray, precisely for use on such upstarts. So in case you were wondering how to deal with impudent little busybodies such as these... well, here is how I would personally respond to them all, if only I were in your place.
Let’s start with Victor Scerri: the man who reported himself to the police for an investigation into an ill-gotten (but perfectly legal) development permit, at a time when the same permit was already under investigation by MEPA’s audit office.

“Dear Victor: Hi, how are you? I can’t tell how much I’m looking forward to your performance at the forthcoming PN General Council... where I’m sure you’ll be the centre of attention for the first time in your entire political career.
“Oh but hang on, I forgot. Your party chickened out of a General Council, didn’t it? Otherwise... woo hoo, but wouldn’t that little Bahrija development of yours have been in the spotlight... ”
“But coming to that little complaint of yours, Victor: there seems to be some kind of misunderstanding. For your information, this is the Malta Police Force here... not the private secretariat of your Fairy Flipping Godmother. Nor are we some kind of instant human rubber-stamping machine, either, to be invoked for a quick-fix solution each time you find yourself immersed in yet another fine political pickle of your own making.
“And besides: why on earth should we waste any more of this country’s limited resources, to investigate a crime that no one in the entire country has even suggested took place? Just so that you can write another letter to the newspapers, and croon that you did ‘nothing wrong’... when what you really meant to say is ‘nothing against the law’?
“So Victor: no offence or anything, but could you do us all a favour and just SOD OFF? Cheers.
Oh, and if in future you have any complaints regarding real criminal activities for a change... how about hobbling over to the nearest police station, and filing a report like everyone else?
“For Victor: you are just everyone else, aren’t you? Or is there something I’m missing here?
“Fond regards, PC Vassallo.”

There. That’s the way you do it, folks. Money for nothing and your kicks for free. Oh, I almost forgot. Now it’s Robert’s turn.
“Dear Perit Musumeci. Hi! How are you? Now yours was a contribution I was particulary looking forward to at the cancelled PN General Council. Do you recon they’d have sorted out that little audio problem from a couple of years back? That technical glitch, whereby the microsphone miraculously stopped working each time you tried to criticise your own party....?
But about that little complaint regarding Astrid Vella last week – you know, the woman we’re supposed to investigate because she, um, disagrees with you on planning issues – well, I’m afraid we don’t have enough time on our hands to look into it at the moment, because we’re still far too overstretched trying to handle your previous request... which in case you’ve forgotten, was to arrest a press photographer for the sheer audacity of taking a photograph of you in a public place.
“That’s right, Robert. It seems the Malta Police Force is suddenly expected to drop everything in its haste to do your paranoid bidding, all because some bloke with a camera took your picture without asking for permission beforehand. The ultimate crime. Never mind that you are both the mayor of Siggiewi, as well as (by your own admission) an architect with a knack for circumnavigating ODZ restrictions. The real issue here was that you were photographed against your will... and not that you had only just irrupted upon a MEPA board meeting, for reasons which have never been made fully clear, and were talking to one of the board members at the time the picture was taken...
“So coming back to your bizarre letter to us this week... care to SOD OFF, Robert? And while you’re in the process of duly sodding off, perhaps you might wish to also look up the Criminal Code and see if it has anything to say about wilfully wasting the police’s time with bogus complaints and vexatious allegations (you never know, it might turn out to be a real crime for a change)...
“Regards, etc.”

Damn, that was fun! Tell you what: let’s change places. This way, the Malta Police Force will get to write an article in MaltaToday each week, and as for me, I’ll go around arresting and interrogating people, and we’ll see how it goes...
Excuse me? What was that again? Ah. OK. Off I sod, then...

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