Raphael Vassallo | Sunday, 14 June 2009

PRINT THIS ARTICLE

Vote for me, or else!

So is this how it’s going to be from now on, Lawrence? “Vote for me, or my dogs will get you”? “Support and obey the Nationalist Party in all things, or be exposed to malicious attacks on the Bidnija defecation channel?”
My, you must be so very proud of yourself, Lawrence: to rule by fear, in an age when fear had all but been forgotten. To sow class division and political hatred, at a time when some of us thought those days were finally behind us. And for what purpose, might I ask? To keep your party’s grubby paws at the tiller indefinitely? So that the Chosen Ones can carry on gorging themselves at the expense of everyone else... forever?
My, what an achievement for the history books, Lawrence. What a legacy to be remembered by.
For there is no hiding behind glossy billboards any more. It is now too visible, too conspicuous, to pretend that it doesn’t exist – or, worse still, that it has nothing to do with you. We have all seen that deliberate sneak preview of your brand new election-winning strategy for 2013, Lawrence. And let’s be honest for a second here: you could hardly expect to win any more elections on the “GonziPN gives you peace of mind” ticket, now could you?
Alas, poor Lawrence. You came at a bad time, both for yourself and for the PN. It’s not like the days of Eddie Fenech Adami, when the boys and girls of the core Nationalist strategy group always had their job cut out for them. All they really had to do back then was remind voters of the “bad old days” of Labour – you know, when Mintoff was Prime Minister of this country, and families would sell their newborn babies for a ration slip worth four rotolos of corned beef on the black market.
Remember those days, Lawrence? Maybe not. After all, you didn’t feature very much in them as I recall. I’m talking about that distant past, long ago, when neighbours would hammer on our doors in the dead of night, to warn that the “marmalja Laburista” was on its way. Oh, the panic! The fear! When crowds of well-to-do housewives from Sliema and St Julian’s would be set upon by the North Korean-trained riot police, for all the world as though they were Aung Saan Suu Kyi wannabes...
Well, those days are finished, Lawrence. Dead and gone. Today there is an entire generation of voters, all born under a Nationalist administration, who canno longer be frightened by Mintoff because they are not even sure who he is today... let alone what he was like as Prime Minister 25 years ago.
Poor, misguided fools. They probably even think it’s normal and natural for water to come gushing out of a tap at their beck and call; or that a room could be illuminated at night, for no other reason than because someone switched on the light.
Talk to them about the ‘bad old days’, and they’ll probably imagine some distant, pre-iPod era, when music came in the form of “Long Playing Records”, and had to be bought from an obsolete form of retail establishment known as a “Record Shop”. (Can you imagine? With real money, too!)
Heck, Lawrence: so sheltered are these spoilt young brats, that they didn’t even recognise the name “Il-Qahbu” when it resurfaced unexpectedly on the eight o’clock news last Saturday. They all thought it was funny, that a man should choose the vulgate for “pimp” as his own nickname... and even funnier, that it would be reported on the news at all.
Try telling them, these same kids, that long, long ago – when they themselves were still in their mummies’ tummy – the mere mention of the name “Qahbu” would have people bolting their front doors and boarding up their “persjani” in panic...
But I have digressed. Where was I? Ah yes, Old Labour. Well, Lawrence, in case you haven’t yet figured this out for yourself, the “bad old days” just don’t frighten people the way they used to. And this poses a real and immediate problem to you and your government... and therefore, by extension, to the vultures who currently depend on both for their survival.
So I ask you once again: what’s it going to be? What hideous machination are your boys and girls going to unleash on us this time, to justify setting up permanent camp for themselves in the corridors of power?
Let’s see now. How about... demonising Joseph? After all, it worked with Alfred Sant, didn’t it? And if something works once, then it stands to reason it should work again... and again... and again... and again...
Maybe, but I wouldn’t count on it for several reasons. Starting with the simple observation that Alfred Sant – whatever you make of the man yourself – was scary in his own right, even without any additional demonisation on the PN’s part. And I mean really scary, Lawrence. Hammer House of Horror stuff. So truly horrifying, in fact, that all you really needed to do was simply slap up a great big close-up of his face on a billboard – without even adding any special effects with Photoshop or anything – and say: “This guy could be your Prime Minister tomorrow, folks.”
Aaaaargh!
Try doing that with Joseph Muscat today, and see what happens. I think you’ll find that 99% of the electorate would mistake the billboard for some kind of fabric conditioner ad.
Muscat? Scary? You’ve got to be kidding. He reminds me of that little teddy bear on TV... Coccolino... all soft and cuddly and love and roses...
Honestly, I reckon it would be easier to demonise the Powerpuff Girls than Joseph Muscat... and guess what? Your own boys and girls are partly responsible, Lawrence. There is after all a certain breed of dog that springs to mind at the mere mention of his name, and I’ll give you a hint: it ain’t no pitbull terrier...
So you’re in a pickle, aren’t you, Lawrence? No more North Korean-trained riot police with whom to terrorise those well-to-do Sliema housewives; no more Alfred Sant for that instant, un-photoshopped “Frankenstein” effect... and after the past 15 months, not much of a chance that people will believe your promises of undying prosperity under a glorious GonziPN government, either...
But wait! I’ve got it! If you can’t frighten voters into voting Nationalist with the prospect of a Labour government, you can always terrorise them instead with the prospect of... NATIONALIST REVENGE.
Ooooh, now that’s an election-winning strategy to be proud of, Lawrence. Force people to vote Nationalist, not out of true allegiance to the party, or even out of genuine belief in your own abilities as Prime Minister... but merely for fear of being blogged about by the new generation of online GonziPN terrorists.
That’s right, folks. So just in case any nice, blue-eyed Nationalist boys were thinking of associating with the Labour Party in any way – like, for instance, by endorsing one of the more presentable PL candidates ahead of a “European” (ha!) election – well, they’d better think again. They will be spat upon and reviled. They will be outed and humiliated. Rumours will be invented and circulated about their “conflicts of interests” and their “hidden agendas”. If need be, the most intimate details of their private lives will be splashed about the online columns... yes, Lawrence, why did we never think about it before? Even after Niccolò Machiavelli wrote a whole book about it, over 500 years ago...
If you can’t make them love you, Lawrence, make them fear you. Strike terror in their little blue hearts, and oh, I guarantee you they will come flocking back to the fold.
So tell them, Lawrence. Shout it loud for all to hear from the rooftop of Castille, so that there will be no misunderstanding when the Day of Retribution comes: “Min mhux maghna kontra taghna!”
Now where have I heard that slogan before?

Any comments?
If you wish your comments to be published in our Letters pages please click button below.
Please write a contact number and a postal address where you may be contacted.

All the interviews from Reporter on MaltaToday's YouTube channel.

EDITORIAL


The ghost of McCarthy

INTERVIEW