I have a very serious problem. I was having a sumptuous dinner at friends. The box was one without any sound of course, from the terrace reflecting into the glass pane of the microwave. I saw this gorgeous looking man on telly. His hair, his hair I tell you… it was just amazing. It reminded me of Valentino, or rather a shrunken, somewhat electrocuted version of Valentino with a 1930s hairstyle.
That very night I could not sleep. I simply could not come to terms with the fact that this TV host has such tremendously striking looks and I, despite the fact that I am younger and taller have, yes... no hair.
No hair to apply gel to, no hair to tuck back and resemble a film star from one of those silent movies where irresistible players would seduce beautiful virgins on cellulose and turn them to ashes. I have no hair to attract women with…
That night I could not get to sleep. So, I phoned an old flame, to see if she had recorded the TV show. I knew that she was a TV freak and would not miss any show.
“Of course I did, what do you take me for?” she said.
Who was the TV host? I asked.
“Don’t you know, it is Lou Bondì… Madonna, you know I really get... ara, stop it... when I see Bondì…”
And then I remembered. I could suddenly remember that this was the man they accuse of being a PN stooge. How bloody unfair! Just because he is always pushing Gonzi and his clan, they call him all sorts of names. Just because he has principles, they are all attacking him. How could anyone accuse Mr Bondì of being such a lackey?
Surely it was a question of envy or pure commercial covetousness.
I asked my friend if she had noticed Bondì’s hairstyle. “Ajma, of course. Ommi ma, how it suits him. He really looks like someone from those Al Capone movies. Pity he is not a few centimetres taller than my broomstick. And his dress sense. Ahh! I feel shivers down my spine. His sense of colour is perfect.
“And you know, that Jeffrey Pullicino Orlando – he is really unfair to accuse him of having a Mussolini-styled hairstyle. Ara trid veru ikollok wiccek u s***** l-istess. You know they should all obey what the party says and do as Gonzi tells them... imbasta they want to be called Nationalists. If you are a Nationalist, you have to be like Bondì and be loyal and not ask questions. Ara that Arrigo, veru pruzuntuz! He is expects to be treated decently just because he garnered a few thousand votes. Look at Francis and Michael Frendo: they are real gentlemen, ghax joghqodu ghal kollox!”
- Tell me, tell me more about this Bondì.
“Well you see, this man – and I tell you he is a real man – they are really jealous of him. They are so damn jealous just because they – Where’s Everybody – take all the contracts and leave nothing for the others. They accuse him of being part of the system. Just because Claire Vassallo Thake becomes all jelly when she meets Bondì, they start inventing nasty stories...
“And you know, just because he is so close to Edgar Galea Curmi they think that he is a puppet. Ara dawk kollha ghajjurin. And they forget that Lou’s biggest buddies are really nice guys. Take that chap, Silvio of Nexos. They call him a kiesah, but he is a real humble businessman who wants to share his profits with others. And that above all, there is Joe Azzopardi. Joe insomma… we call him Peppi. He is a real honest guy. He would do nothing to spin the news. He is really someone who could work with everyone and he surely did not get to where he got because of the Nationalists. Ara dawk veru ilsienhom hazin. They really think that Where’s Everybody are a bunch of ass-lickers. It is all a question of pure, unadulterated jealousy.”
I could not get my mind off the gel he used. I was still overwhelmed by his looks on telly. I tell you I started to get worried. I was sort feeling attracted to this Bondì. I was genuinely worried about myself!
- Hey what gel does he use? I asked.
“Jien naf, it must be some sort of organic stuff. Between you and me he and Jason Micallef use the same kind of gel. I have heard it is some secret animal derivative from a Madagascar marsupial.”
- Marsupial? What the f*** is a marsupial?
“Missek tisthi, Saviour ma tafx x’inhu marsupial. A marsupial is a mammal with a long nose and a long tail. If you had any sense you would come over here and we can have a talk about how the extract of Bondì’s favourite gel from this Marsupial.”
Next Sunday – Saviour Balzan discusses the need for a blueprint for youngsters in Malta and Gozo
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His hair, his hair I tell you… it was just amazing. It reminded me of Valentino, or rather a shrunken, somewhat electrocuted version of Valentino with a 1930s hairstyle.
