Raphael Vassallo | Sunday, 19 April 2009

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Call that a controversy?

Whoever said Malta was a boring place? Never a dull moment, let me tell you. For instance: the other day I was walking along, minding my own affairs, when all of a sudden news reached my ears of a major scandal involving the newly-appointed President of Republic.
George Almighty, I found myself thinking: and on earth what could Dr Abela possibly have gone and done now? Did he nod off briefly during a live performance by Santa Maria Goretti School for Girls’ Choir at St John’s? Could he have tripped up on the red carpet while inspecting the passing out parade on the occasion of Jum il-Firda Nazzjonali? Or did he become Malta’s first-ever President to actually miss the ribbon with his Republican scissors... accidentally circumcising the Siggiewi parish priest ,instead of opening a fund-raising exhibition in aid of Dar Tal-Providenza?
Nope. None of the above. By all accounts, what President George actually went and did is far more intriguing than any of that: it seems he somehow managed to get embroiled in – of all the unlikely things imaginable – a “controversial photo” scandal.

Whoah! Sounds exciting. And what sort of compromising position did Dr Abela contrive to get himself photographed in, I wonder? For yes, it’s true: when I first heard about the “Presidential picture scandal” (coming soon to an Internet comment forum near you) my mind immediately pole-vaulted to all those horror stories you hear coming out of Google Earth these days: you know, poor unsuspecting citizens snapped by satellite as they step out of Sex Shops, or slip off to the nearest red light district on their lunch break...
Then I thought of all the great photo scandals involving international VIPs in the past: Prince Harry, dressed up as a Nazi SS officer at a Carnival party; Kate Moss, snorting a line of coke with Pete Doherty; Silvio Berlusconi, secretly filmed while unscrewing his hair-do to reveal the complex wiring beneath; or Queen Elizabeth II, surreptitiously photographed while wringing some poor peasant’s neck (oops, sorry: meant to say “some poor pheasant’s neck”); and so on and so forth and so fifth.

Naturally, it crossed my mind long before seeing our own celebrity photo-scandal that it might turn out to be nowhere near as incriminating by comparison. Until, that is, I received the earth-shattering news that the DOI (Department of Idiot-formation) had announced it was “contemplating” whether or not to withdraw the photo altogether, and have a new one taken instead.
That was over a week ago now, and as far as I can tell the DOI is still contemplating the matter (what can I say? Deep thought was never quite the DOI’s strongest point, as evidenced by its full name); but the announcement proved to my mind that whatever the fuss around the official Presidential photo, it must have been serious enough to warrant a rethink.

I need hardly add, therefore, that by this point I was just DYING to see this blessed photo once and for all. And so, fingers trembling with anticipation, I directed my mouse cursor to the Presidential Picture link on the Republic of Malta website (www.disney.com/pics), and... CLICK!

Huh? What, is that it? Come one, you must be joking. I mean... what the heck is so controversial about that? There he is, Dr George Abela, sitting on the same old Presidential chair, in the same old Presidential Palace, at the same old Presidential fireplace, under the same old flags, and by the same old Presidential clock (complete with the same old Presidential horns... now there’s a controversy nobody’s ever commented about) and... so what? What on earth is the big deal?

To say that I was “disappointed” is to add a whole new dimension to meaning of the word “understatement”... but hey! Let’s not be hasty.
Maybe there’s something hugely controversial that I’m just not seeing yet. Maybe the source of the embarrassment is altogether more subtle than anything I had previously imagined. Maybe... Alright, let me take a closer look. Could it be that...

...um...

...his zip was down?

Nope. I have meanwhile uploaded the pic onto my trusty PhotoShop, and using the little magnifying glass in the top left hand toolbar, I zoomed all the way into the Presidential crotch – and before I hear any sarcastic comments, kindly note that my interest in that part of Dr Abela’s anatomy is of an entirely professional and scientific nature – and it is with intense disappointment that I am compelled to report: Houston, we do not have a problem. The Presidential trousers are well and truly zipped up.

So what else could it be? Let’s see now, let’s see... OK, I’ve got it: the President was photographed wearing odd socks!
Damn, wrong again. Or at least, not applicable: for the Presidential feet are not actually in the picture, so it’s hard to see whether he’s wearing any socks or...

... shoes.

Holy Guacamole! Did I just say his feet are not in the picture? That’s it! This must the censored version of the Presidential portrait, with the bottom two inches cropped out to disguise the fact that Dr Abela posed for his first official mugshot... BAREFOOT!

Now that, I admit, would have been a controversial statement of the highest magnitude, coming as it might have done from good old Eddie’s immediate successor (I mean, honestly: can you imagine? Ooh la la...!) .
But no such luck. I have meanwhile undertaken intense investigation into the matter, and have had it confirmed from foolproof sources that contrary to wild speculation, the Presidential feet were appropriately shod throughout the photo-shoot.
More’s the pity...

At this point I must confess I am rapidly running out of imaginary controversies to attribute to this otherwise remarkably unexciting photo. But let’s not give up too easily. Could it be that... hmmm... Dr Abela forgot to remove his Freemasonry cufflinks? Nope, another wrong answer. Zoomed in again, and there are no Masonic artefacts of any kind to be seen. Not with this President, anyway...
So where does that leave us? The stripy tie? Hmmm... well, I can sort of imagine that causing something of a stir. Try getting into Club 22 on a Saturday night wearing a tie like that, and see what happens to you... but then again...
Nah.

OK, I give up. What is so blinking controversial about this Presidential photo, that the DOI is actively considering withdrawing it from circulation? With this imponderable question in mind, I decided to call the DOI and have it straight from the Director of Idiot-formation’s mouth.
According to the official explanation, there are two things officially wrong with the picture:
1) George Abela is smiling.
2) George Abela is sitting on the edge of his chair.

(Sound of penny dropping)

What, is that all? Gee. So let me see if I’ve understood: a national controversy, no less, occasioned by the fact that our President of Republic turned out not to be a complete and utter sourpuss for a change. Why am I not exactly surprised?
And as for sitting on the edge of the chair... well, what does everyone expect? I know a thing or two about elaborate photo-shoots, having (believe it or not) co-ordinated a few in my former life as a magazine editor, long, long ago.
I know how gruelling the whole ordeal can be: the pauses for make-up to be reapplied; the hours upon hours waiting for the light to be just the way the photographer wants it; the million little things that go wrong... so it’s sort of understandable that the President would be visited by a sudden desperate urge to dash off to the bathroom... at the precise moment the photographer said “Cheese.”

Think about it: it happens to Naomi Campbell, Elle McPherson, Kate Moss, Tyra Banks and even Heidi Klum. I honestly fail to see why it shouldn’t happen to George Abela, too.

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