Looks like everyone and his Deputy Dawg is rushing to write letters of congratulations to America’s new president-elect, Barack Obama... so what the heck? So will I.
Of course, there are a million reasons why I shouldn’t. Starting with the fact that I’m a complete and utter non-entity from nowhere, whose opinion on global issues is irrelevant and inconsequential in the extreme... but then again, the exact same thing can be said for Joseph Muscat, and that didn’t quite stop him in his tracks, now did it?
Another point worth making is that the USA’s new president-elect already has a host of tried-and-tested advisors at his beck and call, ready to fill him on any detail of every possible aspect of world affairs... but again, that didn’t exactly discourage the Nationalist Party’s international secretariat (as well as its “Department of Ethical Warfare”) from chipping in with unasked-for advice, either.
So here it is, my own personal, letter to Barack Hussein Obama, in full accordance with every known norm of protocol (and quite a few which have yet to be discovered).

Dear Barack: Yo, my man, how you doing, mutha-***er? High five for kicking some white-boy ass in that election, dude. It’s just that... don’t take this personal, but I gotta, like, point out a few flaws in your otherwise awesome speech last Wednesday...
(OK, back to English now: haven’t watched enough South Park to keep this up for a whole two pages...)
Look here, my fine Afro-American friend: I know you think it’s sort of “cool” to be magnanimous in victory, and to signal your intention to be a “President for all Americans”, regardless of race, colour, creed, hairstyle, etc. But there’s no need to get carried away. Last Wednesday, I woke early specifically to watch you perform the traditional Kenyan rites of victory: you know, decapitating your defeated rival; drinking from his blood; using his severed head as a hockey-puck, and all that... And what do I get instead? Barack Obama talking about his “best buddy” John MccCain like he was some kind of decent, honest, all-American war-hero, of all ridiculous things.
Damn it, Obama, have many times do I have to tell you? This is politics, for heaven’s sake. You don’t extend olive branches to your vanquished enemies: you gloat over their discomfiture, you rub salt into their wounds, you kick them when they’re down... then you go ahead and steamroll over their disillusioned supporters: excluding them from all public posts, making them feel like outcasts in their own country, just to make sure that they know who’s boss.
After all, that’s how the Nationalist Party traditionally operates, and guess what? They’ve been in power since the end of the Cretaceous Period, and will probably still be there when the Big Bang finally runs out of steam.

But anyway: aside from your excessive praise for McCain, you have so far surprised many pundits, myself included, by failing to be a complete and utter disappointment from day one. Our hopes are therefore high for you, young Obama... but you are not a Jedi yet.
This is probably why so many people are now trying to get a foot in the door, hoping to be the first to congratulate you on your historic achievement, to influence your decisions and manipulate them for their own benefit. So in case you were having difficulties understanding all those incomprehensible letters from tiny countries you’ve never heard of... well, allow me to explain what they’re all about.

The first letter that was sent came from Joseph Muscat – the leader of the Malta Labour Party – but you obviously didn’t receive it, as it was mistaken for a letter-bomb from the Sultanate of Oman, and promptly detonated by the White House anti-terror department.
This is a great pity, as Muscat was particularly thrilled at your victory – so thrilled, in fact, that in his unbridled excitement he forgot all about the existence of such things as grammar, syntax and the need to exercise self-control for fear of making a complete and total jackass of oneself... and the reason for his boundless enthusiasm is that he seems to think he’s a “progressive”, just like you.
Whether he knows the precise meaning of the word “progressive” is of course another matter altogether... in the local context, let’s just say it means he agrees with the introduction of divorce, even if in practice his own party won’t ever let him actually introduce it (yes, Barack, that’s how far we still have to go before we can join the rest of the Western world.)

Having said that, there is a tiny, weeny little difference between yourself and Joseph Muscat. And I’m not just talking skin-colour, either.
You, Obama, managed to convince the majority of Americans that you actually had a cunning plan to rescue the country from its economic woes... to fix its badly damaged international reputation... and to forge ahead in a whole new, exciting political and social direction, among other incomprehensible nonsense. And as I recall, you went into quite some detail on how all this could be achieved, too: specifying individual policies for healthcare, foreign policy, energy policy, taxation, etc.
Over to Joseph Muscat’s proposed “earthquake of change” and... well... from where I’m standing, it looks more like a solitary little rain cloud in an otherwise azure-blue sky. I guess Joseph hasn’t yet worked out what evidently came to you naturally from day one: that if you want to actually get anywhere at all in politics, the first thing you have to work on is a sense of purpose.

Now for the second letter you received, which came from the Prime Minister of Malta in person. And in case you and Joe Biden were wondering: no, he’s not actually a character created by the late Jim Henson (more’s the pity)...
Anyhow: I apologize on his behalf if Dr Gonzi came across as a little cold, distant and aloof; but don’t be fooled into thinking that it’s anything personal. Gonzi, you see, is a nice enough chap when you meet him in person; it’s just that he also happens to represent the complete, total, and irreversible opposite of everything you stand for, and... no offence, or anything... but you sort of scare the willies out of him.

Lawrence Gonzi, you see, took over his monolithic party from a greying relic of that pre-Berlin Wall generation of Christian Democrats who not only believed that God actually existed, but also that He agreed with their every policy. And he (Gonzi, that is) proceeded it to keep the PN exactly the same way; actually, if anything he somehow succeeded in making it even more conservative than before.
Not only did he do his damnedest to turn abortion into a political issue in this country (something Eddie was wise enough to avoid); but he also transformed political cronyism into a full-scale esoteric religion in its own right, until you simply cannot get anywhere in without going down on your hands and knees and worshipping him in public (if you don’t believe me, ask David Herrera. He’ll tell you all about it).

So Barack: when you gave that speech of yours about a United States of America for all people – gay, straight, pro-choice, pro-life, Christian, Muslim, black, white, ginger and turquoise – what Dr Gonzi actually saw on the screen was a looming, leering, horned figure with a three-pointed fork in one hand, reciting the Lord’s Prayer backwards in front of a giant, upside-down crucifix in flames.
(At this point, in case I inadvertently gave the wrong impression, I feel I have to stress that the above reaction has nothing to do with race. One the nicer things about Dr Gonzi is that, unlike the rest of this country, he’s not actually racist.)

For the above reasons, I trust you understand that Gonzi would find it hard to conceal his intense disappointment at your victory last Wednesday. But at least he had the good sense not to offer you any unnecessary words of wisdom... something I’m afraid I can’t say for the rest of his party, which accounts for the third letter you received this week.
OK, let’s leave aside the sheer audacity of the Nationalist Party lecturing you on the “ethics” of warfare (drawing, no doubt, on its own vast international experience in military activity around the world); and let’s close an eye at the thinly-veiled scepticism of your credentials as Commander in Chief of the US Armed Forces, and the depth of your commitment to the fight against international terrorism... and heck, let’s even ignore those rueful words of praise for your outgoing predecessor, His Remarkable Stupidity George W. Bush... weeding out all this extra, unnecessary fluff, and what are we left with from the PN’s “congratulatory” message to America’s president-elect?
Keep the goodies coming, Obama. Stuff your idealism, your wishy-washy liberalism, and your baby-murdering pro-choice policies. The only thing we’re interested in is that you keep pumping us with state-of-the-art technology for our customs and internal security systems; that you keep taking our refugees and relocating them in America; that above all, that you carry on giving us the only thing we’ve ever cared about: MONEY!
And there I was thinking Joseph’s letter was embarrassing...

 

PRINT THIS ARTICLE