Welcome BEN (I hope you do not mind if I call you BEN), to the Island of a thousand mysteries and over 300 churches and chapels. I am your faithful servant and proud to have been baptised into your Church.
It is here that Paul of Tarsus found himself shipwrecked after sleeping at the tiller and drinking far too much, though our eminent historian Godfrey Wettinger has poured some cold water over that particular Biblical folklore and described the whole event as a ‘footnote’ to our history.
In other words, when Paul departed from Malta after allegedly being bitten by a Viper (we have no vipers or poisonous reptiles in Malta by the way) we had a very long period of Islamic rule in Malta. Yes and all Maltese were Muslims.
Good one BEN, but then the Bible does have some historical inaccuracies, doesn’t it BEN?
But never mind, here in this Island of contrasts you will find the most hardened of Catholics.
And like all other Catholics we truly believe in the afterlife and most importantly all our misdemeanours will be forgotten by a simple nod and a prayer and then swoosh off to Paradise.
Tell me BEN, is there a VIP section in Paradise? I mean you get all sort of VIP seating in stadiums, theatres, open-air discotheques. Will there be a VIP section for all the voluptuous women and handsome men can sit and enter into all sort of adult games?
Or isn’t Paradise a wild place?
And will parliamentarians Michael Farrugia, Stephen Spiteri, Jeffrey Pullicino Orlando, Marlene Pullicino and Chris Cardona be allowed in? They are all separated and rightly so, you have told them not to attend with their partners to the open air mass. Jolly Good Christian love I say.
Praise be the Lord and let all the children flock to him!
Hey, BEN what about David Casa?
Do you think that he will have a place in Paradise?
You know, do you have place for eh.. eh…!!
And what about Lou and Peppi – will they be there too?
I mean, do you have place for such saintly characters who only think of others and never think of themselves?
And what about Charles Bonello, the PM’s private secretary and coordinator of your visit, will he allowed in too? You know, BEN, Chalie has a little bit of a problem with … and will Charmaine be allowed in too?
Please BEN, if I do get past Go and straight into Paradise can you send me to the unit for all those good Christians who got tortured and murdered by the Spanish Inquisition? I prefer to spend some time with some anti-establishment guys. Please BEN.
As you land in Malta please look out for the freshly painted kerbs and zebra crossings and the fresh tarmac. Many of them would have not happened had it not been for your proposed touring of Malta. And gee BEN, those wonderful flowers in bloom, had you not decided to come and pray with us we would not have had such a luxuriant garden in our centre strips.
Hey Ben, you should have seen the giant multi-coloured artistic penis that will be purposely removed for you. I tell you BEN, I never knew you couldn’t handle a penis.
Please do not thank providence for all this orderliness around you, thank Lawrence for taking another pinch at our taxes and spending them specifically on your Papal road map.
You really deserve all the praise for getting our government and Transport Malta to get on with its job.
You will be excused if you think that Malta is not a EU state but a theocracy. By theocracy I mean that there is little or no separation between Church and State. This is the country which to our credit remains firmly against abortion and divorce. And though the two are not related to each other, the Church has surprisingly taken a stand and makes the possibility of those interested in rekindling a new relationship and a new marriage simply impossible.
I thought that the Church was right in taking a stand on these issues, it is after all the most consistent organisation rebelling against popular opinion and going its own way.
That is why I guess 90% of all French never attend Mass in the first place.
Then unlike us, the French experienced the French revolution and applied the Jesus Christ principle – RENDER UNTO CAESER THAT WHICH IS CAESAR’S - which as we all know is not applicable in Malta. Malta dear BEN is still living in the days of the Dominican Tomás de Torquemada.
The Church is in good hands in Malta, we are led in fact by two shepherds, one is the Archbishop, a nice man and I guess I should stop here, because that is all I can say about him, he is just nice. Nice like in ‘Nice’ biscuits, a nice sofa or nice weather!
Then we have another priest like figure, Lawrence Gonzi, he is the nephew of that great Archbishop Gonzi, the man who led Malta into the dark ages.
I cannot say the same for his nephew, Lawrence. Lawrence has definitely done his very best to take us to the dark ages, though I have to say that the number of times we have had power cuts has led me to believe that he is trying to take us all right back. But we cannot really blame him for this mess, it has to be Enemalta’s fault and the engineers, or Bolier number 7! Nothing can be blamed on Lawrence. Lawrence, dear BEN like you, is infallible!
Lawrence in his wisdom has indicated in the most certain of terms that he will uphold the interest of the Roman Catholic Church before those of the State.
In other words, no matter what the public think of certain issues, such as divorce, there is little chance in Hell that we will see that measure introduced.
Hell by the way is something that many Maltese Catholics do not believe in, but then the majority of Catholics have little appreciation or understanding of their religion.
Benedict, and I hope you do not mind me calling you BEN, the real headache that must be tormenting you are the sexual abuse scandals by Catholic priests.
Please do not be impressed by all these press conferences and news stories by alleged sex victims. I am sure that many of them are putting on a show to increase their ratings, and that all their stories about priests who went about buggering because they didn’t have Bondi plus to watch are exaggerated and pure inventions.
But tell me BEN, how do you fight paedophilia?
I get it, well first of all, you apply a court order not to publish their names and then you invoke a Church-State agreement which leaves the prosecution of priests to the Curia and not to the Courts.
I guess we have to have faith in the Church. The Church is after all the most compassionate and understanding of institutions.
Hey BEN, what is all this about you being too conservative?
I just think that people are envious of the Church for having been around for so long, they always try to bad mouth the Church for all its past mistakes.
Why don’t they think of all the good things you have accomplished since you were appointed Pope. Such as … such as… sorry BEN I have just had a very serious memory lapse, I cannot explain what really happened.
Can you help me out here? Can you sort of give me some pointers to some of your accomplishments.
And finally BEN one last question: Do you think that the next Pope will be as exciting, charismatic and open-minded as you? Difficult eh! I thought so. Good luck BEN, and welcome to Malta and Gozo, and forget about all those ugly comments on facebook and on billboards and they are perpetrated by people without a soul and without a VIP invitation to the all embracing-feel-a-christian-and-loved-by-Jesus mass on the granaries.
Yours truly and thumbs up,
Saviour Paul Emmanuel Constantine Balzan
San Gwann
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