Saviour Balzan is under arrest and unnecessary duress. He is at the St Julian’s police station and interrogated by the strikingly beautiful and senior police officer Sharon Tanti and asked to sign his declaration. What follows is his unedited declaration, his unadulterated feelings for the ‘man’ himself. I, Saviour Balzan, born in B’Kara, declare that I know that he has genuine feelings. I am confident that all those nasty observations about him are exaggerated. He was born to a humble family with strong Catholic values.
Catholic values are something we should be all proud of, just listen to Pope Ratzinger, he fills me with divine hope.His declarations about poufs, his terror war on contraceptives, his declarations portraying sex as evil is consonant with this man’s 2015 vision for the future.
I love this man, because he is understanding, despite his own diktat, he still allows himself to be surrounded by gay individuals – in the true and metaphorical sense that is. I think that this is a great achievement which just goes to show that all accusations about him being homophobic are misplaced. Just see how he works wonders with individuals such as David Casa.
I have to say I adore this man, his family ancestry is peppered with honourable men. Men who contributed to making this country a richer and more open-minded country – I am referring to the Archbishop Gonzi of course, that wonderful man who will always be remembered and appreciated for his admirable decision to refuse Labourites a decent burial in hallowed ground. After all why should Labourites be treated like other human beings?
I have to say that I think this man has a very rich cultural background. His brief but memorable time as chief of Azzjoni Kattolika explains why he has taken such a stern and welcome stance against divorce and yes of course against anything that could block our entry into heaven.
I simply cannot but agree with his sentiments towards single mothers and separated parents and couples in distress, and so on and so forth.
And I love his democratic ascent to power. Why does it matter that he was pushed to the throne by Richard (The Cardinal) years back when he chose him as a candidate before the 1987 election.
And yes, his enthronement as leader was appropriate and timely. Just in the same way Jason Micallef was unceremoniously and undemocratically asked to leave by Joseph Muscat, he was handpicked as Secretary General of the party ... and later as leader Irrespective of other worthy candidates, by Eddie Fenech Adami.
So what is this fuss all about?
And by George, he is doing a f***ing good job as PM. (His promises have always materialised and seen fruition as was the case with the hunters and trappers, who alleged they were conned when he signed a letter which ... he signed and of course did not read!
Why read something that you promise?
But this is why he is so special.
In his bid for the leadership of that upright party that has always wanted the best for this country and not for the brigands that militate within it, he shone like a diamond just in the same way he shone when he was at Mizzi organisation playing poola most of the time. More so because he was assisted by the good-natured Pierre Portelli, the man who made it not because of his contacts but simply because of his abilities. And remember that Pierre renowned for his honesty and no holds barred approach was always flanked by that character who always reminds me of Captain Scarlett, the one and only Gordon Pisani, the man who has such great PR skills.
Yet, I guess if you were looking for real proof of how special this man is, you only have to see the appointment of Edgar Galea Curmi as the man’s personal assistant. Here is a worthy proxy who, the epitome of goodness, fairness and the ‘goody goody’ doctrine which expresses the man himself.
Here is a man who will never shaft you, will never help you just because you are a party lackey, will never work against you if you are not an integral part of the tribe and who does not believe that the end justifies the means.
Nonetheless, the tenets of democracy and fairness are best understood in the Ten Commandments of this great man.
1. What I promise I deliver. For example, I promised a new way of doing politics and there you go just see what is happening around me.
2. I believe that the cabinet is not a rubber stamp and the belief that it is run by Austin and Tonio and George is a big fat lie. Just see what happened with the electricity and water tariffs, we were one team behind the fair and just price hike.
3. I believe that people in boards should be chosen according to their merits and not according to their political allegiance, all appointments which give this impression are simply a case of envy.
4. The tendering process and the issue of direct tenders in this country is open to all, but it helps if you know someone in Pietà.
5. Flying on a private plane and taking Arsenal football tickets is on, so long as I am informed.
6. I have no links to big business and all the donations given to the party were raised at tombola parties organised by my old friend Notary Tony Abela.
7. I believe PBS should carry independent minded people such as Peppi and Lou. The latter have no apparent links to myself or the party that I so ably captain; so what is the fuss?
8. I think that the mistakes of the past such as was the case with EneMalta and the dockyard should not be passed on to the consumer, instead we should blame it on the GWU and the enemies of the State.
9. My vision for Mater Dei is to have the best hospital in the world even if there aren’t enough beds for patients or money to run it.
10. I am in favour of privatisation most especially if it benefits the consumer, I am sure as was the case with the port, post and gas, none of the big boys (apologies to George Fenech, Joe Said and Louis Farrugia) benefited from this.
I humbly declare that this is a true and faithful declaration, and that what I am about to sign was carried out without any pressure or duress or use of force.
Saviour Balzan trembles and signs and the sergeant sitting behind him gives him a gentle punch on his head and then a friendly kick in his rib cage. A constable slaps him lightly in the back of the neck and another officer (unidentified) squashes his goolies back into his torso. Before Saviour Balzan even has a chance to say thank you, he faints and falls to ground. Sharon Tanti looks on and calmly orders the sergeant to check whether Saviour Balzan is play-acting.
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I, Saviour Balzan, born in B’Kara, declare that I know that he has genuine feelings. I am confident that all those nasty observations about him are exaggerated. He was born to a humble family with strong Catholic values.
