Raphael Vassallo | Sunday, 04 January 2009

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Monopoly? In Malta? No kidding...

This year, my Secret Santa decided to place the Maltese version of “Monopoly” in my stocking.
Whoopie! Just when I found myself thinking that Christmas was a bit of a damp squib really: you know, a time for Christians to feel all smug and superior to the rest of us lesser mortals... reminding us constantly that this is their festivity, commemorating the birth of their Messiah... and that non-believers therefore have no business whatsoever to be giving each other presents, to decorate festive Nordic fir trees with fancy lights, or to stuff their faces with such authentic Bethlehem delicacies as mince pies, timpana, turkey sandwiches, Panettone “Tal-Bauli”... and so on and so forth.

But in any case: for those brought up on another planet, Monopoly – apart from being the One True Uncontested Religion of the Maltese islands – is also the name of a board game which was very popular when I was a child.
It works like this: you start out by claiming public land as your own private property, simply by setting foot on it uncontested... and then, you proceed to cover it with as many little green houses as possible, none of which is covered by any valid permit (although they will all eventually get their waterworks and electricity supply in the end.)
How apt, therefore, that a Maltese version would finally be launched. After all, that is EXACTLY what has been happening for decades in various parts of the country, including Ghadira Bay, Bahar ic-Caghaq and more recently, Armier... (even though I must point out that all three of these prime squatting sites have unaccountably been omitted in the local version of the board game, in favour of such relative shantytowns as Valletta, Mdina and the Sliema seafront.)
And that, I am sorry to have to point out, is the least of the drawbacks in what is otherwise a finely crafted local version by any standard... starting with the messages on all the Chance/Community Chest Fund cards.
In the original, these would inform players of their successes and tribulations in the big, bad property market and beyond. Things like: “You have won a beauty contest, collect £10”... or “It is your birthday, take £10 from each player”... or “Your bank loan has matured – what a pity you haven’t”, etc., etc.
Over to the Maltese version, and... well, with the exception of things like: “You pay €100 for the privilege of carrying the statue at a village feast”, they are almost exactly the same, only translated into Maltese.
Come on folks! A little more imagination, please. For what it’s worth, this was the sort of thing I was half expecting:

You win first prize in the National Literary awards
That’s right: one of the judges of this prestigious local competition – who just happens to be your father – has decided that your edition of your second cousin’s translation of the collected works of an obscure, long-dead writer (who also happens to be a distant ancestor of yours) was infinitely better than any of the crap written in 2008. So collect your €450 prize money and...

Advance to Go
You are a subscriber to any of several local private Internet service providers, but you decide to change to the ISP formerly known as “Maltacom” after reading all about the favourable rates, etc., in the local press. However, the day after you “advance to Go”, the Malta-Sicily cable is accidentally severed during a mild swell in the Sicily Channel. As a result, you are cut off from the Internet for four days, sending your Facebook social life, as well as your business, all the way back to Old Kent Road.
But don’t worry, because...

It’s rent collection time!
Yes indeed: I forgot to mention you are the proud owner of a palatial 19th century mansion, subdivided into 12 fully furnished apartments, all enjoying magnificent views in a prime residential and commercial location.
However, all 12 apartments are rented on a permanent basis to the great-great-grandchildren of the original tenants, under the 1939 rental act.
The bad news is that you will be only be able to get rid of these shameless parasites by embarking on a long and expensive legal ordeal, which will take all the way to the European Court of Human Rights in Strasbourg.
The good news is that today happens to be rent collection day. So take €0.16.67c from each player to help cover your annual...

Maintenance costs!
Oh, no! You have just been assessed for street repairs by a government surveyor, who first consults the PN’s secret electoral database to find out if you are are: 1) Nationalist; 2) Labourite; 3) AD/homosexual; 4) Extra Terrestrial.
If you are Nationalist: pay a €10 fine or take a chance. All other options, cough up €500,000 upon pain of immediate foreclosure on all your properties. Unless, of course, there has been a...

Bank error in your favour!
(OK, I admit this one’s a little fanciful: after all, we live in a country where banks never, ever, EVER make mistakes… and if they did, it would hardly be to their clients’ advantage. But hey! This is a game we’re talking about here…):
It seems the island’s leading financial institution, HBSC (which stands for “The Hong Kong and Bangkok Shagging Corporation”… or something like that, anyway), has made the mistake of accidentally forgetting to lower the base rate of your home loan for a second time, after being instructed to do so in no uncertain terms by the European Central Bank.
The situation has now been rectified, and you will be paying less per month for your properties... but you have been charged €200 to compensate for the inconvenience caused to the bank manager, who had to cancel a holiday in order to get in line with international law.
And guess what? It’s just about to get a whole lot worse.

Building inspectors clampdown!
This is the one, smelly card you really didn’t want to pick up. The Malta Environmental Pain in the Ass (MEPA) has unfairly issued multiple enforcement orders against you for building a 720-room hotel over 12 illegal storeys in an area outside the development zone... when all you had in hand was an outline permit to extend the washroom on your roof.
You are expected to make a €1.2 million contribution to the PN’s secret campaign fund, or wait for the bulldozers to show up on your doorstep the next day. (Alternatively, you can always threaten to lay off your 1,000+ workforce and precipitate a major financial crisis… in which case, MEPA will simply sanction your illegal development, and issue a public apology for any inconvenience caused.)
No workers to lay off? Well, in that case it’s...

Go directly to Jail!
Do not pass Go. Do not collect €200. Do not expect a Midalja Gieh ir-Repubblika. (Although having said that, you never really know. After all, the late Lorry Sant eventually got a monument in his honour in Paola...)
Which brings me to most important (and realistic) card by far for the Maltese version of the game:

Get out of Jail free!
Any amount of examples, but let’s stick with the obvious: you are the island’s leading importer of prophylactic contraceptive devices, while doubling up as Chief Justice in your spare time. You find yourself accused of accepting a bribe to reduce a notorious drug trafficker’s prison sentence; and your colleague in the Criminal Court of Appeal, having already pleaded guilty to the same offence, has just been released after serving his full two-year sentence (evidently, he did not have a ‘get out of jail free’ card of his own).
But for reasons which have never been made clear, not only are you kept under house arrest for a limited period before your case actually comes to be heard.. but in the meantime, you are free to attend weddings, pop in and out of court to say hello to your old buddies, etc., etc.
(Meanwhile, in a separate case, three Eritreans are sentenced to 18 months apiece for stealing a car stereo.)

Wishing you all a Merry New Year, as well as a Happy... um... Epiphany...

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