Saviour Balzan | Sunday, 28 December 2008

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Things I should have done in 2008

I was hoping to share a few sincere home truths with our readers about this year. I sincerely hope that you will find the time to read through some of them and take a cue from them to make 2009 a better year.

1. Buying a litre of petrol or diesel.
Before filling up my tank with petrol or diesel, I should have wondered which direction the wind blows. If southerly, then the fuel price would definitely increase; if from the North then the price would go down.
It took quite some time to understand the trick. Forget the international pricing situation and the resources authority. Austin Gatt has had the habit of waking up in the morning checking out the direction of the wind and then deciding on the price.

2. Voting in an election
To vote in an election, next time round I will choose not to read the electoral programmes but more importantly, I will visit that infamous fortune-teller in Marsascala by the name of Yoda. A respectable character who should always be taken seriously, Yoda will definitely not let me down and duly inform me whether I should have believed all the promises in the electoral programmes.
Silly me, why didn’t I think of Yoda?

3. Tears for fear
Next time round when I want to be impressed, I should avoid the emotional charged visage of Jeffrey Pullicino Orlando ‘id-dentist’. Those bouts of crying had led me to despair and urged me to vigorously campaign for his number one votes. And guess what… everyone believed me when I said that JPO was a serious and upright politician.
Next time I should have had enough sense and remembered the lesson I was given for free by Joe, alias Peppi, Azzopardi. It went something like this.

Guide to crying

Think about what makes you sad. Is there a certain memory that brings you to tears? (George Pullicino being demoted and having MEPA removed from his ministry? Or Pullicino not being able to sail with il-poodle on that blasted yacht?) Is there a scene from a movie or some news that gets you every time? (Joe Saliba and Michael Falzon tal-lejber stating they do not work for Caqnu?) Pretty much everyone has at least one trigger and many people have several.

Do your trigger. Think about that terribly sad memory, or read that tear-jerking paragraph. Linger and mope. Brood on it… (oh yes I remember, Jesmond Mugliett thinking that Lawrence Gonzi would reappoint him as minister). Picture yourself crying.

If it works, practice triggering the tears. Try to cry more quickly every time you think about that one sad thing (believing that newspaper and not a mouthpiece for the PN). Soon, you should be able to start bawling on command.

If it doesn’t work, try drying out your eyes. Hold your eyelids open with your fingers until your eyes feel dry and uncomfortable. This should start the tears coming.

Once your eyes start to tear up, close them and scrunch up your face. Picture yourself really crying. (Just think of Jeffrey’s fountain of tears or Joseph Muscat reading that his children have called chimpanzees).

Start sobbing. Take quick, irregular gulps of air. Try to make your lungs feel shaky and tight (think of Mater Dei’s policy providing you only with a replacement oxygen tank when you finish one tank and are dying of suffocation. Or that Mater Dei spent more on paying private contractors than to buy cancer fighting drugs.)

Combine techniques. As you induce crying by drying out your eyes and making yourself sob, think of something sad (George Abela losing the last leadership election). Often, it is possible to make yourself feel emotions just by making your body do what it does when you feel that emotion (for example, one thing you body does that your mind wishes you not to do is lifting a middle finger to Mr Kenneth Demartino every time you see one of his wardens). Making your eyes run and starting to sob will make you feel sad which, in turn, will make you cry more.

4. Free health
The last time I listened to the Prime Minister he had said that he would introduce breast screening for cancer in women by 2008. Well, I believed him. And then I erred and I said that he was promising something he could not deliver. So his sidekick, ‘Maria Goretti’ Edgar Galea Curmi ,said I was a man who could not believe, in other words a pagan.
I admit, I did sin when I questioned the good prime minister, the man who reappointed the likes of Joe Said to Heritage Malta, Peter Fenech to the Manoel Theatre and Alan Camilleri to Malta Enterprise. I seek forgiveness and though the breast screening programme has not been implemented, I am sure there must be a good reason for Gonzi’s failure.
I am sure that it has nothing to do with his bad habit of speaking before thinking.

5. Five free bulbs
Again I wronged, as a dark patch appears on my forehead denoting ‘sinfulness’. I am humiliated by my lack of faith. In 2007 Gonzi had promised five bulbs for every family.
Why did I believe that he could and would not deliver such bulbs? Why on earth why? Surely my lack of faith in Gonzi finds its roots in my inbred prejudice, in my delectation for subversion, and in the fact that I don’t think Gonzi is a direct descendant of Mohammed. Shame on me!
But can anyone please tell me why I have not received my five bulbs?

6. Sewage tax
Who said that Alfred Sant was a man without a conscience? I am sure it couldn’t have been Austin Gatt. For if there was ever anyone with a conscience in the whole friggin’ world, it has got to be Austin. He’s a bloody big softy, Austin is…
That’s why he proposed the same tax Alfred Sant did, to be precise, a slightly heftier kind of tax, but linked in no uncertain terms to the volume of faecal production. It’s just as well – as my old aunt told me, we’re all the same on the throne (her word for latrine)… “everyone’s the same, everyone gets the same tummy-ache, and it smells for both rich and poor.”
I’m sure Austin won’t be amused with this kind of toilet humour, having never indulged in such crass jokes of course.

7. Malta house in Brussels
Again, I cannot understand why I doubted Richard’s altruism. Yes, Richard Cachia Caruana, my great friend who pulls strings and tells people what not to do or not how to do them. And what to write or how to write them!
You see, some four years ago, Malta decided to spend some €21 million and much more to buy and renovate a premises. To ensure that this was a good buy, the government used the services of our illustrious friend-for-life, Bertie Mizzi, to confirm that this building was a sound investment.
Bertie is not only famous for his OBE, but also for his reputation with friends for being such a generous character and paying for everyone’s meal and going out of his way to wave his wallet. He is the ultimate opposite of a miser.
Then enter that newspaper, the defender of the faith, run from Valletta the city made for so called gentlemen to inform us that Malta House would be rented out and bring in gigantic rental revenues for the government.
From behind the scenes, Richard used every possible friend. Bondiplus had a whole episode on state-funded TV of what a darn good investment it was going to be, and he even got a Richard lookalike to speak in Maltese on his programme. Four years later, and entire floors from Dar Malta have yet not been rented out.
Yes I am a doubting Thomas, am I not? Surely there must be another reason for this screw-up. Surely Richard, the man everyone should hope will become Malta’s next EU Commissioner, has a good enough excuse for this faux pas.

8. Malta’s natural parks
Once upon a time, someone thought of having a golf course. Then there was a U-turn, an announcement that Xaghra l-Hamra would be turned into a national park. And pronto, Stanley Zammit is appointed to chair the park.
Never has there ever been a chairman for such a ghost project as this one. On paper, the vast stretch of land off Golden Sands is a massive national park. But every time I visit the national park known as il-Majjistral, I notice more dumping, more hunting and more trapping and no sign of when and how this will be turned into a park.
Please forgive me if I questioned why a site is earmarked for a national park but nothing was ever done to develop it as such.

9. Faith in the police
Really and truly, I should learn from the PBS head of news. He is after all a leading example of someone who is fair, objective and also of someone who has blind faith in the police and our government.
That is how it should be. The present PBS head of news will always be remembered for his great esteem for the former Commissioner of Police, the man who at least had the decency to resign.
And I owe it to the PBS head of news for introducing me to Malta’s most eminent and credible supergrass, the one and only Zeppi l-Hafi. For this I am forever indebted.
Let us face it, why should we doubt the Malta police if someone escapes from police custody, falls off the bastion and then dies in hospital? And more importantly, why should we question the fact that his death gets no mention in the media?
As journalists we should not question the police, or the government. As journalists we should lick ass, believe in the institutions and continue to inform people that there is only one truth, which cannot be found in this newspaper.

10. Surveys
Now once again, why do MaltaToday surveys always get ignored? No, not only by the PBS newsroom but also by the party political stations. Well for the very valid reason that publicising the contents of these surveys may very well unravel a new reality.
So, I beg forgiveness. Please go ahead, ignore our surveys, they don’t tell the truth, they just reflect what people are thinking. And if we showed that the PN was going to win the last election, it was wrong to publish the results.

11. The budget
How could I have believed in 2008 that Tonio Fenech’s budget should be taken with a pinch of salt? Just because he did not refer to the electricity and water tariffs does not mean that he is a boy scout.
Let us face it, not even the Prime Minister knew what Austin is up to. Why should he? Since when does the Prime Minister have to know what his Minister is up to? And why can’t his minister do what the f*** he likes?
Just because Tonio did not think of including Renzo Piano’s €80 million project does not mean that this budget is not a serious one. Really, I have to stop listening to what people say about other people. Tonio knows what he is doing, and that is why people are feeling so confident with their money.

12. The moment
Beyond the politics, the tragic fireworks explosion in Naxxar, the recriminations and the political spin, the more important issue of life and death overshadowed everything else.
So sorry, for continuing to hope she would live on forever.
Sorry for waiting for her friends to appear and visit. Sorry for expecting a responsive healthcare system in Malta. Sorry for not questioning the judgement of medical consultants.
Sorry for not thinking of others in similar situations. Sorry for thinking that there is no such thing as another life. Sorry for not realising that there is only one life and no other life after this.
Sorry for not appreciating those small moments in life. Sorry for not being sorry enough to speak my mind as I always have.
And sorry for having to inform you that no matter what happens I have not changed.
And thank you for not giving me the chance to pick up the pieces and to move on. Thank you, I should have known that the only person I can trust is my mother.

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