OK, that’s it. I’ve had enough. I’m off to the United States of America to start myself a new career... as a political consultant.
What brought this on? Well, the other day I stayed up late to watch the final Presidential debate between John McCain and Obama Bin... I mean, Barack Obama. I had read in the papers that this was going to be one of those epochal, unmissable, devastating clashes... you know, Godzilla versus the Cosmic Monster, or Maltese hunters versus the entire German Luftwaffe.
So I set my alarm for 2.55am, got out the cookies and pork scratchings, and settled back to enjoy the show.
God, what a bore. I mean honestly: you call that a debate? I’ve seen more aggression and unbridled animosity on “Teletubbies Turn to Taoism”. At one point, I even expected McCain to offer Obama a cup of tea. And that’s when it hit me: these Americans might be experts on fast food and oil prices, but there are some things in life they just... don’t... get.
Like, for instance, politics. So, sorry, Obama, but if there’s one person America really needs to deliver change it can believe in, that person happens to be... ME. So let’s start by solving all America’s problems one by one.
First problem: comprehensibility. Dudes, you’re just too damn easy to understand. At one point, I could make out every single word you were saying. And needless to add, that’s just not on.
The reason, of course, is because the Americans haven’t yet mastered the fine art of interrupting each other during live debates. Very important, this. It’s terribly rude to just sit there in silence while your politician’s arguments are given a free run of the entire country. The polite thing to do is to spare your countrymen the confusion of listening to these ideas, by shouting, heckling, hammering and booing. And with good reason, too.
Let’s face it. There are advantages to being unable to ever get a word in edgewise. After all, if people don’t actually hear you making any electoral promises, they’ll never even realise when you afterwards fail to deliver.
Look at Obama, for instance. He promised to make healthcare affordable, to cut taxes for 95% of the population, to reform education and energy policy... and how do I know? Because he said so, and I heard him.
How unwise. If he wins the election on November 4, that poor guy is going to be reminded of those promises every single day of his presidency.
Now look at Lawrence Gonzi, who promised us (among other things) a revision of tax bands, five free energy-saving light bulbs, a reform of MEPA, and (my personal favourite) a system of public tenders for political appointments.
Do you see anyone complaining that he has failed utterly to deliver on even one of the above? Of course not! The entire country was too busy hooting, honking, and singing the anthems of its respective parties to even notice.
Second point: issues. Are you guys nuts? It’s rule number one is the election-winning manual: DON’T TALK ABOUT THE ISSUES. And you don’t have to be a Harvard economist to figure out why, either.
Issues are complicating things, and unreasonable voters tend to have different opinions about every single one of them. So what you should talk about instead are... sound-bites. Things that are easy on the ear and appear to make sense, but which are actually entirely meaningless.
A few examples: “Coke adds life”; “GonziPN Brings Peace of Mind”; “The Sun’s Gonna Shine All Day”; “Yes, Together Everything Is Possible”; “Bet You Didn’t Know I Fantasize About Ballerinas in Secret”; or “My Campaign Manager Went To Paris, And All He Got Me Was This Lousy Sarkozy Slogan.”
But no! They had to go and talk about issues, and even then... they discussed them in detail. Can you believe it?
At one point, the topic turned to abortion. What did the candidates talk about? The health of the mother. The availability of contraception. Freedom of choice versus the right to life.
I mean, for crying out loud. As if that has anything to with abortion to begin with. Where were all the plastic foetuses? Where was Miriam Maria Micallef, shrieking death and damnation, and threatening to haul them all to the Supreme Court? What about the candles and the Rosaries, the flying forceps and the dead baby Power-point presentations? And where were all the post-menopausal women, with their “Hands Off Our Wombs” placards?
Now THAT’S what I call an abortion debate.
OK, OK, but let’s give the contenders a little bit of credit where it’s due. After all, they’re only amateurs. They don’t have the inborn and inbred natural political skills of your typical Maltese Catholic Action president.
Starting with... Obama. Regardless what you make of his ridiculous insistence on discussing “policies” (instead of just talking gibberish, like Sarah Palin), Obama has one undeniable advantage over any of his adversaries.
He knows how to chuckle.
Honestly, I cannot over-emphasize the importance of this unique political skill. Look at Lawrence Gonzi, for instance. Chuckling is the about only thing he is any good at, and hey! It single-handedly won him the last election.
But Obama knows how to do more than just chuckle. He also knows how to smirk. And how to go “Ho, hm” like Treebeard, while his opponent struggles not to trip on a stream of bemused mirth.
Of course, Obama has to go on and ruin the whole effect by actually talking instead of snickering like an eternally self-satisfied Muttley impersonation... but then again, let’s cut the guy some slack. It’s not like there’s anything important at stake. He’s only trying to change the world.
Over to John McCain now, and... like the best among political gurus (Henry Kissinger, Alastair Campbell, Paul Vincenti, etc), McCain understands the unique power of a gimmick. That is probably why even his choice of running mate was a gimmick. And it also accounts for why he named himself after a popular brand of oven chips.
So he brought up Joe the Plumber: a first-rate political stunt, in that it is utterly irrelevant to any real concern, and was repeated often enough to make the average viewer reach for the nearest toilet bowl and do a little plumbing of his own.
And like the very finest in political gimmicks, it turns out that Joe the Plumber is... a) not a plumber... b) owes over $1,000 in back taxes... and c) his name isn’t even Joe!
You’ve got to hand to it to McCain. Sheer political genius.
But my favourite thing about him remains his resolute, steadfast championing of nuclear power, in the face of all those spoilsport environmentalists who seek assurances that the technology is safe.
“Safe? Sure it’s safe!” McCain bellowed during the debate. “Why, I’ve spent most of my life on warships powered by nuclear reactors...”
Yes, John, and, well... um... just look at you...

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