You’ve got to hand it to Labour. What other political party this side of Burkino Faso would publish an anthology of all its previous policy documents – some of which were first published during the Malta blitz – and then go on to present them as a “Plan for a New Beginning”? (Emphasis on the word “new”, by the way.)

But no matter. Being vaguely interested in green concerns, I hired a crane for the occasion and picked up a copy of the 648 page policy compendium. Sure enough, on page 286 I came across a proposal for “The Development of Golf Courses”.

There it was: a grand total of three (3) paragraphs, in which Labour outlines its “new” policy for the game of golf (which, by the way, is now officially a religion in its own right.) Basically, Labour wants two additional golf courses, one in Malta and one in Gozo, together with the possibility of extending the existing one at Marsa.

How very novel, I must say. So “new”, in fact, that it echoes almost word for word a statement made by Prime Minister Lawrence Gonzi… in 2004.

But no matter. Unlike the Gonzi’s identical (and equally daft) golf course ambitions, this is a “serious” policy proposal. So apart from detailing the Labour Party’s general aspirations, whims, fancies and desires, it also goes into the specifics… you know: the whys, the wherefores, the hows, and – above all – the how muches.

Let’s take them one by one, starting with:

Where?

Leaving aside plans for Maghtab, the real issue is: where in Gozo? For in case the Labour Party hasn’t yet noticed, Gozo is an island not much larger than a medium-sized walnut. And to add to the general unavailability of land, the same Labour Party has also pre-emptively limited its own options by pole-vaulting onto the ODZ protest bandwagon last year.

Which is just as well. For having made the mother of all stinks about the government’s decision to extend the building zones, we can now rest assured there is absolutely NO CHANCE that a future Labour government will develop so much as a phone box outside the existing scheme… let alone an 18-hole golf course.

This means a Labour government will have to site its cherished Gozo golf course entirely within the development zone: a fact which automatically excludes the existing proposal for a golf course at Ta’ Cenc.

Incidentally, it also precludes any notion of using agricultural for that purpose… and yet, fly over Gozo in a helicopter (or on a hippogryph, if you prefer), and what do you see? Farmers’ fields... farmers’ fields… and, oh look! More farmers’ fields. Wouldn’t any of these myriad fields get in the way of Labour’s grand golf designs? Would any of them have to go? And if so, which ones?

(Incidentally, jump forward to page 560 and you will this charming little entry on Gozitan agriculture. “Gozo’s natural environment is very fragile and therefore it is necessary to maintain the health of its agriculture sector…”)

How?

Onto another issue now: logistics. To be honest, when I originally consulted the book I was half expecting (naïve me) some kind of financial estimates to place beyond doubt the feasibility of our national drive for golf. What I found instead was a number of extremely vague notions, such as: “Our country can sustain two more courses.” (Can it really? Or is that just wishful thinking?); “Any development… must be viewed in the light of its aesthetic impact on the natural environment” (What about pesticides? They don’t have any aesthetic impact, but can wipe out an entire ecosystem…)

The most disappointing aspect, however, is that at no point does the Labour Party’s policy paper even begin to address the real issues surrounding golf. Namely, its impact on our vastly limited natural resources.

The following may come as a surprise to Malta’s many golf enthusiasts, but the turf on which the game is played does not miraculously nourish itself. It needs water. Lots of water. In fact, as much as 3,000 cubic metres a day, or enough to service the needs of around 15,000 people. And that’s just for one 18-hole golf course. (Labour, remember, wants two.)

Again, location may make all the difference. Many parts of Malta (and especially Gozo, where the elevation is generally higher) are plagued by a topographical inability to retain any water at all, which is why so many of our low-lying towns and villages flood almost religiously every time it drizzles. Incredibly, this phenomenon manages to amaze us every year, even though (much like Labour’s golf policy) it is not exactly “new”. Our ancestors knew all about it: this is why they devised an ingenious system of terraced fields precisely to retain water which would otherwise be lost to the sea. These same ancestors would probably be scandalised by the cavalier extravagance with which today’s politicians talk about squandering millions of cubic metres of such a vital, quasi-sacred resource... (but then again, these same ancestors used to a worship a Fat Lady, probably sacrificed human beings, and cut endless troughs into the living rock for no apparent reason. So what the hell…)

How much?

By my reckoning, any serious policy document on the subject of two new golf courses will have to explain where the additional two million m3 of water a year will actually come from, and how much the increase in demand will cost the nation.

And, of course, Labour’s policy does… NOT.

Those of us inhabiting Planet Earth will find most of the answers on the Water Services Corporation’s website. Last year, 57 per cent of local water was generated by reverse osmosis plants all around the coast. That amounts to 17.4 million cubic tonnes. At what price, I hear you ask? Good question. Pity the Labour Party’s policy team didn’t ask it before publishing their policy document. Pity, too, that the sections on “Energy” (p. 272) and “Water” (p. 274) make no reference whatsoever to any increase in demand as a result of the policy outlined a few pages later. And to be honest, I’m getting a little tired of doing all their homework for them. So this is one question Labour will have to look into for itself. (Hint: the answer contains several zeros).

Meanwhile, the WSC website also reveals that the total storage capacity of Malta’s underground reservoirs is 400,000 m3. I’m kind of hoping that turns out to be a misprint. Perhaps they meant 4 million… otherwise, the implications are that Malta cannot even store enough water for half the amount used by a single golf course in a single year. How, then, will the addition of two new ones impact Malta’s overall water situation? Again, this is the sort of thing that serious policy papers on golf are generally expected to address. Seriously.

Then there’s the issue of water quality. Most golf enthusiasts seem to agree that Maltese groundwater is too saline for the fastidious demands of putting-green turf. The same goes for water produced by our (as yet non-existent) sewage treatment plants. This leaves us with Reverse Osmosis, a process which currently uses up to 17 per cent of our local electricity generation. To account for an additional two golf courses, that percentage will have to increase. So, too, will government expenditure on electricity production.

Ok, this is the part where you all start jumping up and down furiously, pointing out the obvious fact that this silly little journalist has clearly overlooked. The golf courses in question will be administered by private companies. This means that the government will recoup its costs by charging commercial rates for the excess water.

True, but for one small detail. The additional water we’re talking about (two million m3 a year) still has to come from somewhere. Even if government invents new, exorbitant rates specifically the golf course, it will find itself having to invest more money in water-production infrastructure before the first bill is even issued. This means more oil, more pollution, and quite possibly more RO plants… resulting, among other things, in the loss of more coastline.

Oh, and before I forget: there is every reason to believe that the present, meagre supply of water will gradually decrease over time, as temperatures rise and annual rainfall diminishes. If this happens, the above estimates will likewise gradually increase, year in, year out, until not even Roman Abramovic would be able to afford the water bill for his private Gozo golf course.

All this, by the way, will have to be achieved by a government which has firmly committed itself to slashing the electricity surcharge by half. How? I have no idea.

Maybe the Lord will provide. Or maybe what the Labour Party meant to say was that it will actually slash its own electoral promises by half the moment it is elected.

With a bit of luck, the “two golf courses” proposal will be the first to go. But I wouldn’t bet on it.