Opinion | Sunday, 23 May 2010

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Look... but don’t touch

Why, oh why am I reminded of Al Pacino’s little Satan speech at the end of The Devil’s Advocate? The one that went something like: “You can look... but you can’t touch. You can touch... but you can’t taste. You can taste... but you can’t swallow...”
Or if you prefer the Maltese Curia’s version: “You can go to Mass... but you can’t receive Holy Communion.”

That’s right, Paul! Sock it to them, will you? And about time, I might add, that His Grace finally flexed a little pastoral muscle in the face of all this lewd permissiveness. I was beginning to wonder just how long it would take for the Catholic Church to rediscover its authoritarian roots, and get a little medieval on Cohabitation’s ass for a change.
I mean honestly. What with all these modern priests with their newfangled ways, you never know what heinous acts of sinfulness we’d all come round to accepting next. Judging only by (x’gharukaza) Fr George Dalli or (x’wahda din) Fr Rene Camilleri, anyone would think it was now perfectly acceptable to simply walk out on an abusive partner, and then start up a new relationship with someone who doesn’t beat the crap out you even half as often... and still come traipsing along to Mass each Sunday, expecting to be treated no differently from all those spotless, sinless, ‘Look-at-me-I’m-Sandra-Dee’ sort of Saints.

Sorry, folks, but it just doesn’t work that way. You can’t expect to have your Eucharist and eat it, you know. And this for a host (ahem) of very valid reasons, too. Otherwise, who knows? Next thing you know, people will start thinking it’s perfectly OK to simply LIE THROUGH THEIR TEETH about others while supposedly under oath (such as, for instance, during a vote in Parliament) and then come prancing to Church the following Sunday as if absolutely nothing had happened... maybe even taking up the Offertory, or carrying the statue during the procession of the Transfiguration of Christ. (Ain’t that right, Tonio?)

And besides: how utterly correct of Archbishop Paul Cremona to remind all those nasty, evil unrepentant sinners that – even if they can’t partake of the Body and Blood of Jesus Christ along with happily married members of the congregation – they still have to make the trek to Church each week for their OBLIGATORY Sunday Mass.
You tell them, Paul. What better way to make a person truly feel like the lowly, despicable, God-forsaken sinner he or she really is, than by making a very public distinction between that person and all of the others... in such a way that they just can’t ignore?
In fact, you have to hand it to His Grace: as far as ‘non-castigatory’ punishments go, this one is sheer genius. It’s like inviting someone to a meal at a restaurant... so long as they don’t actually order any food. Yes, of course you can join us for lunch – actually, scratch that: you have NO CHOICE but to join us for lunch (unless Sunday Mass was downgraded from ‘mandatory’ to ‘optional’ while I wasn’t looking)... but not to eat, just to watch everyone else stuff their faces.

Oh, and in case you were wondering: we still love you. Oh, yes. It’s not as though, by publicly humiliating you, repudiating you, and making you feel unworthy to partake in the one sacrament that is supposed to unite all God’s children in His loving eyes, it means we think any less of you. Nothing of the kind! Actually, it’s the other way round. We humiliate you because we love you. It’s because we care for you so very much that we want you not just to see, but also truly feel like the disgusting filth you have allowed yourself to become in God’s all-knowing and all-forgiving eyes.

I’ll tell you something, though. The Archbishop’s a sight more generous with these perfidious pogguti than I would be in his place. If it were up to me, there’d be none of this namby-pamby ‘this is not a punishment’ nonsense. No, siree. With me as Archbishop, we’d be back to the good old days of the Auto Da Fe’... then we’d have some real fireworks for a change instead of all these harmless little squibs and suffarelli, let me tell you...
(But then again, I’m the first to admit I’d have made a pretty rotten Archbishop myself. I don’t smile enough for the cameras, you see...)

Coming back to the issue of these miserable little cohabiting sinners, and the need to humiliate them as thoroughly as possible... there is one small detail I must confess I haven’t understood. Considering all the dozens of people who practically fall over themselves in their eagerness to receive Communion every Sunday... how is a poor priest supposed to distinguish at a glance those among them who are happily married, from those who are living with their unmarried partners in the clutch of Satan?

What was that? Make them wear yellow stars on their jacket labels? Yes, I thought of that already. Only snag is, we’ve already decided to use that system in order to identify illegitimate children, after UK judge Sir Paul Coleridge suggested last week that we strengthen marriages by re-introducing our long-lost national prejudice against bastards. By the same token, pink triangles are already in use in several parishes to identify gays and sodomites... so the question remains: how to make unmarried partners identifiable at a glance?

Hang on, I’ve got it! We’ll microchip the little sinners... just like a responsible dog-owner is supposed to microchip his mutt! Why not? After all, we are living in a technological age, you know. Might as well use some of that newfangled technology for a truly Holy cause... instead of just making money out of porn and gambling, which is what our Christian Democrat government is currently doing.
Ah, yes, I can see it all now: the microchips can be inserted painlessly by means of a small jab at your local polyclinic... then hooked up to the central satellite system of the Holy See (so named because it ‘Wholly Sees’ everything and everyone) and, hey presto! Each individual Maltese poggut will suddenly become visible as a little, flashing red dot on a monitor in the Vatican’s top-secret underground laboratory...

OK, OK, I know what you’re all thinking. Isn’t this illegal? Against the Data Protection Act, or something? Well, for your information, the Data Protection Act was passed under the One, Holy Catholic and Apostolic Nationalist Government of Malta, and... surprise! The Church is EXEMPT from this law, and can therefore abuse of our personal information as much as it pleases.
But because I’m in such a generous mood, and because – let’s face – Pope Benedict XVI is such a nice guy really, I’m sure we can all reach some kind of agreement. I propose we configure the system in such a way that the flashing red dots will only appear on those Vatican monitors the moment the pogguti in question actually step inside a Church.
This way, we will only use the system to monitor these evil sinners for the 45-minute duration (or four hours, depending on their parish) of Sunday Mass. And as long as they all sit quietly at the back, without getting in the way of all their nice and morally superior, happily married neighbours, then there’s absolutely nothing to worry about.
BUT... no sooner does one of those little flashing red dots step out of its place at the back of the Church, and starts filing up the aisle along with the rest of the congregation, than...

“MAYDAY, MAYDAY, RED ALERT, RED ALERT! Sinner about to receive sacrament! I repeat: Sinner about to receive sacrament! Battle-stations, all Bishops!”
And so on, and so forth, and so fifth...

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