It’s 2013, and Labour wins the election by the narrowest of margins.
The crowds are ecstatic: “Viva l-lejber, viva l-lejber…” and so on and so forth.
A totally bald Labour leader Joseph Muscat drives up in a specially designed popemobile to Castille, with Michelle next to him, dressed up a in a silver suit that looks much like a spacesuit.
Flanked by his deputy leaders Anglu and Toni, Joseph Muscat addresses the crowds and promises “a new way of doing politics”.
He starts off with some surprising appointments. As High Commissioner to the UK, he appoints Felix Agius, the former KullHadd editor. And as chairman of the Water Services Corporation he calls in Joe Debono Grech, who fails to get elected this time round.
As chairman of the Manoel Theatre and the Mediterranean Conference Centre he chooses Dr Edward Zammit Lewis, and as chairman of Air Malta, Muscat asks Dr Michael Vella Haber to take over.
Adrian Vassallo, the MP, is sent off to the Vatican as ambassador.
Some days later, the new PBS chairman Lorna Vassallo invites Dr Lawrence Gonzi and Dr Joseph Muscat to take part in the country’s most popular Friday evening show, hosted by Alfred Zammit. The programme is now called Taxi Mary.
Zammit welcomes the guests, and hugs Dr Muscat.
Gonzi ends his television appearance with a riveting speech and a never-ending applause. But not before complaining that he was not apportioned the same amount of time. Zammit surprises Gonzi and informs him that he still has time so he can go on talking.
He then turns to Muscat and puts a question to him. Everyone is surprised: “I have a question for you Joe. When are you going to introduce the breast screening programme?”
Muscat answers: “I always implement what I promise”. But he doesn’t explain how.
The following Sunday, Lino Cassar writes in It-Torca and compares Gonzi to the female pudenda – at least he writes the Maltese equivalent correctly.
In il-Mument, Joe (Peppi) Azzopardi writes an article hitting out at Alfred Zammit. It is entitled ‘Prezentatur’, and he has some nasty words for Zammit.
MaltaToday carries a story about Mater Dei. It reports that the Minister for Social Policy Silvio Parnis is using the services of Group 6, a security firm managed by the disgraced Police Commissioner Lawrence Pullicino.
MaltaToday reports that former security officers working with St Luke’s Hospital having nothing to do at the former hospital.
The parking lot is also given to Group 6. Kenneth Demartino, on behalf of Group 4 Securitas, protests to the contracts department, claiming discrimination.
On Monday, In-Nazzjon reports that the overruns for the Manwel Dimech bridge run into millions, and they put all the blame on the minister for roads, Charles Buhagiar, who also has an interest in a ‘consultancy company’ involved with road construction.
Mr Buhagiar says he has nothing to hide and that he has declared his interests to the speaker of the House, Wenzu Mintoff.
But the worst is yet to come, with the announcement by the Prime Minister Dr Muscat that electricity and water tariffs will increase six-fold, and that capping will be removed. The Times carries an editorial accusing the government of being “without a conscience.”
L-orrizont carry an editorial congratulating the President of the Republic, George Vella, on his birthday.
In a turbulent press conference, shadow minister for IT Austin Gatt describes Muscat as a person who plans policies “like a failed accountant”. He tells Net TV: “He is worse than a failed accountant. A failed accountant has emotions, and cares about his clients. Muscat does not even care about himself.”
He adds that the recent decision to remove Claudio Grech as chairman of MITTS to replace him with Tony Meilaq, is proof of how Labour is only interested in promoting its own people.
Gatt also states that the decision for Smart City to terminate Grech’s job as chief executive with the Dubai-owned company, came about after pressure from the Labour government.
Deputy Prime Minister Anglu Farrugia tells the press that what Gatt has just said is just “a pack of lies”.
The UHM calls a general strike and Gejtu Vella promises the government that the tariffs will not go through: “Not over my dead body.”
Gonzi announces a massive mass meeting for the following Sunday, to protest against the government’s “anti-social behaviour”. The editor of the Independent on Sunday writes an editorial that takes up six full pages, saying that compared to Muscat, Alfred Sant was a man “with a social conscience”. Daphne Caruana Galizia compares Muscat’s politics with that of a robot’s.
On Monday the Cabinet meets. Walking down the stairs Joseph Muscat tells The Times that he will not be intimidated and that he does not intend to change course. Behind him, Marie-Louise Coleiro Preca looks on, nodding repeatedly.
In The Times, columnist Austin Sammut agrees with Daphne and adds that ‘robot’ is too kind a word. In his very popular blog, Andrew Borg Cardona humbly agrees with Dr Sammut, and goes further by saying that a Nationalist government would have never ever taken such steps.
In the evening, GWU chief Tony Zarb states that he understands why the government wishes to increment the electricity and water tariffs. He says he is little bit worried but he is sure the workers’ movement knows better.
A day later, foreign minister Leo Brincat informs parliament that the government has selected the elderly entrepreneur Albert Mizzi to draw up a report on whether it would make sense to sell Dar Malta in Brussels. He tells the House that Mizzi has refused to take any money for the job but has asked the government to pay for his flight and hotel. Dr Pawlu Lia will act as legal advisor to the government, and architect Lawrence Mintoff will be assisting.
It is Wednesday. At University, the whole campus is on fire. Metaphorically that is to say. The University lecturers have had it. “No more hanky-panky”, reads a poster in the hands of University dean and in-house union leader Dominic Fenech. He hands an ultimatum to university rector Mario Vella, telling him that the lecturers will be staying at home.
The KSU president, a law student who spends summer breaks assisting MEP Simon Busuttil in his Malta office, says they support Fenech. Shadow minister for education Dolores Cristina issues a press release, calling on Mario Vella to support the lecturers. She tells Sunday newspaper Illum: “These lecturers have not had a pay rise since the Stone Age. It’s a shame.”
Minister for Education Carmelo Abela announces the new Heritage Malta chairman is construction speculator Sandro Chetcuti, who thanks the minister for the faith shown in him.
Thursday morning, and MEPA announces that the proposal to build a new hotel at Ramla Bay in Gozo has been finally approved. MEPA chairman and chief executive Alfred Mifsud says that he cannot understand what the fuss is all about. Shadow minister George Pullicino reminds Labour of how the Nationalist administration had acted when it saved Ramla Bay from speculators.
On Friday, Minister for Youth, Sports and Culture Stefan Buontempo announces the tender for the opening ceremony of Malta’s EU presidency has been won, unsurprisingly, by Where’s Everybody. Flanked by TVM’s head of news Charlon Gouder, he outlines the programme for this event.
Later on in the day, Maltese High Commissioner to Australia Ray Azzopardi visits Prime Minister Muscat and presents him with a Great White’s tooth from the Australian Prime Minister.
In the evening, a gala dinner is held at Castille to honour the visit of former US President Bill Clinton. Security is high, and Group 6 are also involved in the security, but Commissioner of Police Silvio Valletta is confident that nothing will go wrong. Bonaci caterers are responsible for the catering. Clinton agrees to personally endorse the company.
It is Saturday. Bulldozers move in to remove the Armier boathouses. Nationalist MP Franco Debono declares: “These boathouses are part of our national heritage and should not be removed.”
Sunday morning. A news story in MaltaToday reports the death of a man under investigation while in police custody. Shadow justice minister Carmelo Mifsud Bonnici calls for an inquiry. Commissioner Valletta says that MaltaToday is not a serious newspaper.
It is Sunday evening and massive crowds gather at the Granaries. Paul Borg Oliver welcomes the leader of the Opposition, and for two whole hours Lawrence Gonzi pumps adrenaline into the crowds. His unforgettable words are reprinted here for posterity: “This country needs new blood, this country has for far too long been managed by amateurs. Amateurs who are appointed to their posts according to their political colour and their genetic make-up. The Prime Minister thinks that he can run roughshod over us with his new tariffs. He says that he has a problem, and we tell him we have a problem because this country needs a breath of fresh air.
“Someone who can inspire people, someone who can rise to the occasion, and someone who can listen to the people. Go on Mr Muscat, implement your tariffs but let it be known that the Maltese in their vast majority are crying out for change. Change that is possible, because together everything is possible.”
And the crowd screams: “Gonzi, gonzi, gonzi!!!”

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