Maybe it’s a co-incidence, maybe it isn’t. But this week we’ve been told what to do – or what not to do, as the case may be – TWICE… and both times by foreigners.
I mean honestly. Will these pesky foreigners never learn? Do they really need another World War to find out – once again – that we’re just… not… like…them?
But no matter. They want to come here and waste their time, so be it. And the latest in a string of European busybodies to do precisely that was the European Commissioner for Competition, Ms Neelie Kroes… who this week did what no European has done on Maltese soil since 1943.
She dropped a bombshell.
“Sorry, volks. But remember that teeny, weeny little shipyard privatisation plan of yours? The one you’ve all been patting yourselves on the back about these past, oh, two weeks? No can do, I’m afraid. Nothing personal, but you see, there’s this thing called the ‘European Union’ you joined around four years ago… Remember? The one you said would enhance your sovereignty, not eclipse it? Well, I know it’s unreasonable, but those Europeans could well have a thing or two to say about pretending a €100 million debt doesn’t exist, just to make your own shipyards a more attractive prospect than theirs…”

(Sound of penny dropping).

Hmm. This is not right. I remember the time when a foreigner would come here and tell us what to do at the risk of losing life or limb. Mintoff, for instance, would have had her clapped in irons. Sant would have threatened to bite off her tongue. Why is there no outrage at this blatant case of foreign interference? Where has our sense of national pride gone? Have we all gone soft?
OK, if no one else is willing to bell the cat, then I guess it will have to be me. Let’s start with the obvious objection, which I am surprised hasn’t already littered every comment on the subject in the online Times of Malta.
In case none of you noticed, Commissioner Neelie Kroes is: 1) Dutch; 2) Liberal, and; 3) most serious of all… a woman.
Closing an eye at the “Liberal” part – for let’s face it, none of us really knows what the word means anyway – when you fuse together the two concepts “Woman” and “The Netherlands” in the typical Maltese consciousness, what usually emerges sounds roughly like this: “Abortion! Euthanasia! Prostitution! Rebecca Gomperts! Marijuana! Murder! Condensed long-life milk!” etc, etc. (Oh, and let’s not forget: the Dutch also stole our finest Grade-A potatoes.)
So, as Lino Farrugia of the hunters’ federation would no doubt tell her if he wasn’t so busy repelling a second German invasion: Get your own house in order, before coming here and bossing us about in ours. So there, too.
Now, onto the second most important issue – discussed, I am pleased to say, at great length on the abovementioned online voyeurism forum: What on earth was she wearing?
Look, Neelie, if you’re going to come here and tell us how to run our own internal affairs… the least you could is dress for the occasion. Flowers may be all well and good for your nearest Amsterdam coffee shop (“Dude, where’s my tulip outfit?”) but to be taken seriously in the context of any debate regarding the future of the glorious Malta Shipyards – without which you’d all be either Turks or Germans, as our Bishops will have you know – please bear in mind that there is a long-established, traditional dress-code associated with this particular industry.
It consists of: 1) A boiler suit; 2) A gold chain; 3) A horseshoe belt-buckle; 3) a pair of non-slip, heat, rust and corrosion resistant, hard wearing boots; 4) A safety helmet, and 5) an unlit cigarette dangling from your lips (alternatively, parts of a tattoo showing under your rolled-up sleeves. And yes, flowers are fine. Especially carnations.)
So here’s a word of friendly advice to our European friends somewhere up there beyond the Apennines: next time you send someone to tell us what to do and how to do it, make sure that person is: 1) Male; 2) Any nationality but Dutch; 3) Conservative; 4) Catholic; 5) Not divorced; 6) Suitably dressed, and 7) Put where he is by Silvio Berlusconi.
In a word, someone like Pope Benedict XIV. (I can see it already: “Miei cari fratelli: non potete liberalizzare i vostri cantieri – é un Peccato…”)
Leaving aside all the other questions associated with Neelie Kroes’s visit this week – like, what does she do when not too busy devouring babies and then defecating on Maltese privatisation plans? – there remain one or two small things I haven’t understood about this whole dockyard deal.
Forgive me for asking, but… wasn’t this deal brokered by the same government which also negotiated the terms of the Accession Treaty in 2003… according to which, the writing off of €100 million in debt is plainly illegal? And is it possible that of all the people who made it their business to explain this treaty to us in every detail – answering all our questions about the EU, assuring us that Spring hunting will remain untouched, etc. – not a single one saw this coming?
And as for the General Workers Union, which claimed to have saved all the workers’ jobs in the process: is this the same GWU that choked the streets with protests before the referendum, arguing that the EU would rape our women and turn all our grandchildren into Sicilian hairdressers? How could they possibly have nothing ridiculous to say now?
Fortunately, there is always the newfangled Labour Party to shed a little helpful light on the issue. This is what Young Mr Muscat had to say on the subject yesterday… that’s right, the same Mr Muscat who has spent the past four years sitting in precisely the European institution that discusses, debates and ultimately approves European law to begin with:
“Some of the problems which surfaced now could have been solved before if the discussions started earlier, and if all measures Malta was granted in the EU Accession Treaty were implemented…”
Um... Gee thanks, Joseph. But wouldn’t it have been more helpful if you told us that before you welcomed the deal with open arms?
So all things told, I think we can safely conclude that Maltese national pride is dead and buried. Or maybe not. Attentive readers will have noticed that I originally referred to not one, but two instances of foreign interference this week. Well, the second involves a small army of German birdwatchers who came here yesterday, threatening our national sovereignty by actually looking at birds while Maltese hunters shoot them.
Yes, indeed. Another case of “Achtung! Nein shooten zie vogels!”
Here is a small excerpt from Lino Farrugia’s reaction to this state of affairs: “I don’t want to sound melodramatic, but today, after all our forefathers had to go through to keep our islands from being overrun by foreigners, not only have we lost our sovereignty, not only have we been conquered by foreigners, but there is even a supposedly Maltese entity which is run by foreigners, with the help of foreigners, trying to evict us from our Maltese homeland so these foreigners can enjoy it for themselves.”
Sock it to them, Lino! You show these interfering foreigners who’s boss...