Opinion • January 04 2004

Inconveniences

This is the new year, most things will change, superficially that is, Saviour Balzan writes

No need to worry folks, in the New Year there will be no apparent problems with snail mail and pot holes no longer to be called by their real name but renamed ‘inconveniences.’
And if it is the service at the Malta International Airport that you are concerned about, that too will change …
Your friend for life, yes that was a slogan from a bank, but that could very well be taking dream world far too far. And now for the ones that really matter.
Your tax adjustment or tax bill, yes that will also be translated into something less shocking such as ‘your social contribution.’
Civil servants will be told be sensitive to your needs and emotional stress and time. They will be there when you need them most. Yes, and by the way, the Malta Environment and Planning Authority will not have a shut down from next year. All its employees will we readily available for any questions you might have at all times.
What about removing the afternoon offs in Summer? Not a chance folks.
Service with a smile. Definitely, of course. No more retail outlets in Sliema and Valletta with sales girls with permanent ‘period’ moods or cash assistants with a phone glued to their ears talking to a boyfriend. No more Nokia tunes in restaurantsjust vibrations from miniscule chrome models.
What words will ring out in the New Year? "Pensions, alignment, downsizing and sacrifices."
Please say goodbye to the 2003 puns; ‘restructuring, satanic mass, debt, Alfred Sant has no chance and the GWU EU reports.’
Finally the word ‘charity’ is to be erased from the Maltese English dictionary and replaced by the word ‘gambling’ and the definition of gambling is to be reconstructed to mean: throw away Lm100 and enter the probability game of winning a damn beautiful car.
Gay of course cannot be used to describe merriment. And if you decide to shout out ‘Where’s everybody’ do be careful you could be accused of being envious, schizoid and a scoundrel.
And what about impulsive political outbursts.
Oh, yes, these are the ones to look out for.
Which is why everyone is waiting for PBS to run on a complement of 50.
The other one we will be looking at is the dockyard problem which is reportedly solved, and the millions that evaporated into thin air will not be mentioned unless you wish to be branded a brainwashed and Labourite buffoon.
More still with the European parliament. Louis Grech would do well to count his chickens and throw away his pocket map of Brussels, with Lm56,000 in his last year confirmed as chairman of a company that was making million in losses, his posting in Brussels as an MEP on a Labour ticket is as remote as having Alfred Mifsud Labour leader or Karl Stagno Navarro elected to the EU parliament on a PN one.
Who will be Malta’s symbolic President to get lucky once a year sitting next to Peppi Azzopardi?
Beats me. But it has to be someone whose chances for EU commissioner, Prime Minister or leader of the PN party are simply not on the cards.
And the new nationalist leader yes, that too is a taboo subject.
If we are too believe the spin, then the Prime Minister has already made up his mind, but if we are to read the signs then the whole matter is one of utter confusion.
And the Labour party, well, Dr Sant will have to stop sending his emissaries Michael Falzon and Charles Mangion to each and every function and start making appearances without putting his foot into it.
And finally, the change that will matter most is our dramatic entry into Europe.
At long last, we can mix freely with Pakistani English, German Kurds and French Algerians in the EU passport line. What a relief, and hopefully it will be worth the bloody sacrifice! And at long last, we can purchase foreign wines at the real price, only if the importers remember to adjust the price tag, that is. Say that final Adieu to New Zealand and American fillet steak sold at super cut-throat prices and Bonjour to French fillet for the special price of 25euro a kilo. And just in case you have made the simple conversion, it works out at four times more than the New World protein we were so comfortable with beforehand.
Just a minor inconvenience, I guess!